Hostess Closing; Fanboys To Lose 95% Of Diet
- Written by GHERU on Friday, November 16 2012 and posted in News and Satire
Jude Terror’s Diet Forces Hostess To Close Its Doors.
Source: Hostess Brands closing for good
Several months ago, noted fat comic fan, Outhouse webmaster, and former drug addict, Jude Terror, put a bedazzled staple in his stomach and was forced to change his diet forever. Little did he know, or care, what impact his new life style choice would have on the world's economy, specifically snack food producers. As Conservatives try to blame Hostess’ failure on Barak Obama’s economic policy or Michelle Obama’s fascist campaign to get Americans to eat carrots (Did I pronounce that correctly?) non-partisan groups have laid the blame squarely at Mr. Terror’s feet, as Hostess Executive, Twinkie The Kid, told The Outhouse:
Our revenues were cut by 56%. Our analysts tried to figure out what had happened but we had no idea that it was just one guy.
Although it will take many millennia for Hostess to sell/destroy/wait for decomposition, for most of its products. This news comes as a major blow to basement dwelling fanboys who will have to scream something new to their moms when they are asked “Honey-Boo, do you want anything from the store?”. Hostess snacks, Twinkies especially, are fan favorites due to their inability to go bad, individual wrapping (so cream filling doesn’t get on comics, toy packaging, or game controllers) and the loss of over 90% of their diet will come as a diabetic shock to their systems.
As a warning to the rest of the country, the FDA and ATF released a joint press release stating that if “You see an emaciated, pale, weird looking man-child walking around with too much skin screaming for food” to not shoot them in the head; they are starving fanboys and not zombies.
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About the Author - GHERU
RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time. RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage. Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write. RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them. RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor.
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