The Outhouse did some investigative journalism into DC Comics' underworld to find out how and why Gail Simone got fired.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
The blogosphere exploded over the weekend upon discovering that Gail Simone had been taken off her popular Batgirl series. While many were quick to blame DC for mishandling the situation, the Outhouse decided to go to the source and hear their side of the story.
The Outhouse began its investigation by speaking with Dan "the Don" Didio, the head of DC Comics. Speaking to us in a private booth at a Manhattan Italian restaruant, Didio was dressed in a three piece pinstripe suit and an oversized fedora. "Gail?" said Didio in between bites of a large plate of spaghetti. "I heard what happened to her. A real shame. Of course, as I see it, we didn't have any choice. There were circumstances that necessitated her...termination."
"Mah, we're just legitimate businessmen, see?" asked Geoff "Jeff" Johns, a high-ranking member of the DC family, watching the door for potential threats. "We're just tryin' ta make a buck, see? If some dame doesn't wanna play ball, we gotta get rid of her, see? It's just business, see?"
While Didio refused to elaborate on why Simone was terminated, we sought out his lieutenant, Bob "Squeaky" Harras, who often handles the oversight of DC's employees. We found Harras in the back room of a strip club, counting freshly laundered twenty dollar bills. "Listen, youse mess with the family, youse get burnt," said Harras in a comically high-pitched voice.
When pressed for a reason why Simone was terminated, Harras grew agitated. "Ms. Simone said she didn' want to stuff no women in no refrigerators," he said. "She was goin' on about some nonsense about respectin' womens and not using their deaths as a cheap source of drama. It was like she's never even heard of DC Comics. We invented women in refrigerators!" Harras called for one of the strippers milling around outside. "She was askin' for trouble," Harras said as he gestured for the girl to give him a lap dance. "And trouble is what she got."
According to reports, the actual termination was carried out by Brian "Trouble" Cunningham, one of DC's many enforcers. We found Cunningham playing poker with several other of DC's employees, including Scott "Dirty Jobs" Lobdell, Annie "Get Your Gun" Nocenti, and Grant "Magic Man" Morrison. When asked about Simone, Cunningham told everyone to leave the room. "Yeah, they told me to send her a message," said Cunningham when the others had left. He cracked his knuckles threateningly. "So that's what I did. I went to her house, got onto her computer and sent her a message via email. And I'd do it again too."
Hearing Cunningham go into detail about how he terminated Simone made us shiver. We put on our hat, grabbed our gun, and swallowed a gulp of rye whisky from our flask. These were hard men. The kind you would be wise not to mess with. We're not very wise. We quickly excused ourselves and left, before Cunningham decided to send us an unprofessional email as well.
All in all, Didio and his gang seemed unapologetic about last week's actions. "We're a company of action," said Didio calmly. "Sometimes, those actions are unpopular."
"It's coitans for her," added Johns. "Coitans, see?"
"What my associate is trying to say is that Gail Simone sleeps with the fishes," Didio clarified. "Literally."
"Without her DC paycheck, she had to move into a studio apartment above a fish market, see? Nows gets outta here, ya mook," added Johns. "Before I chops all your limbs off!"
Forseeing many situations in the future where the use of our limbs would improve our demeanor, we decided to leave it at that. The Outhouse will keep you updated on future developments, unless we suddenly "disappear" off the internet. If that happens, we advise you not to come looking for us.