Monday, January 22, 2018 • Afternoon Edition • "Assholes welcome."

North Korean Rocket Strike Fails to Stop Avengers Arena from Hitting Comic Shops Today

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, December 12 2012 and posted in News with Benefits
North Korean Rocket Strike Fails to Stop Avengers Arena from Hitting Comic Shops Today

In a last ditch effort to save beloved teen characters from cheap and meaningless deaths, North Korea attempted to target and destroy Diamond Comics' warehouse with a failed rocket launch.

Source: CNN

North Korea tried and failed Wednesday morning to prevent the sale of one of the most controversial comic books of the decade, Avengers Arena, by launching a large rocket at a Diamond Comics Distributors warehouse that was believed to contain most if not all of the printed issues of the book. The rocket failed to reach its target, instead accidentally launching a satellite into orbit and crashing into the ocean.

Marvel Comics' Avengers Arena, written by newcomer Dennis Hopeless (just who is he, anyway?!), places a bevy of Marvel's teenaged characters into villain Arcade's homicidal theme park, Murderworld, where the heroes are killed off one by one for shock value and increased sales. Weeks before the launch of the comic, emotional bloggers took to Tumblr to post angry, depressed, and even suicidal reactions to a comic they hadn't read yet. One of those bloggers was the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.

"If I ever see Dennis Hopeless at Pyongyang Comic Con, a glorious event which embodies the power of the North Korean people with a splendor that eclipses even San Diego Comic Con International, I will have a serious discussion with him about how this kind of irresponsible treatment of characters negatively affects impressionable readers" read one of Jong Un's Tumblr posts. "Then I will imprison him and sentence him to twenty years hard labor in one of our work camps."

Kim Jong Un is a rabid and vocal fan of the teen character Juston Seyfert, who last appeared in Avengers Academy, and is one of the characters who will appear in Avengers Arena, ensuring his untimely demise. "Juston reminds me a lot of myself," explained Jong Un in one of the many posts on his Tumblr page about the character. "He's a loner like me, and also his best friend is a giant robot."

Most of the international community was surprised by the launch, which disregarded the protests of the United Nations and most sane countries individually. "This was an extremely provocative act," said a spokesman for the Obama administration. "If you don't like a comic, you should vote with your wallet, not with ballistic missiles." The United States will work with with China, Russia, and the members of the U.N. Security Council that don't matter to issue a statement strongly condemning North Korea's actions and telling them "this is their last chance. For real this time. We mean it. Seriously. No, really."

Despite their surprise, North Korea had been warning of the impending attack for weeks in increasingly more volatile posts on Kim Jong Un's Tumblr, as well as the country's official Twitter account. The threats specified that a comic as pointless and shallow as Avengers Arena, which exists solely to stir up controversy and enrage fans on the internet, would not be tolerated and would never be allowed to reach stores.

"The people of North Korea stand behind characters like #Juston, #Hazmat, #Mettle, and #X-23, and they will not allow them to be mistreated," read one Tweet, which was followed by another. "Oh, and Chase from #Runaways too."

On the morning of the launch, Kim Jong Un, seemingly overwhelmed with passion, or, as it is called on Tumblr, "feels," posted one final message:


Jong Un then posted a jpeg of a cat putting its paws over its face, indicating that it was expressing the human emotion of sadness. It was reblogged 347 times.

The government of South Korea, which unknowingly moved into the vacant lot next to North Korea before learning that the country was batshit crazy, and which has been unable to sell and move out since the real estate market crashed in 2008, condemned the failed launch in a statement, which said, "North Korea, you should really read a comic before passing judgment and launching a rocket at it. If these deaths have meaning and tell a good story, it will be worth it, and you always have the stories you love in Avengers Arena, Runaways, and Sentinel to go back and re-read."

Unfortunately for fans of Marvel's teen characters, and despite the best efforts of Kim Jong Un and a group of captive, starving nuclear rocket scientists who are likely receiving bare bottom spankings from the dictator for their failure, you can pick up a copy of Avengers Arena #1 by Dennis Hopeless and Kev Walker in your local comic book shop or on your favorite digital app today.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

More articles from Jude Terror
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!