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Michael Rosenbaum, John Krasinski, Isiah Mustafa, Dave Bautista, ThanosCopter, Unemployed Mall Santa, and Your Mom Rumored for Guardians of the Galaxy Role

Written by Jude Terror on Friday, January 04 2013 and posted in News with Benefits
Michael Rosenbaum, John Krasinski, Isiah Mustafa, Dave Bautista, ThanosCopter, Unemployed Mall Santa, and Your Mom Rumored for Guardians of the Galaxy Role

We're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks!

Source: Every Website on the Internet

There have been a lot of rumors flying around the internet about Guardians of the Galaxy casting. Despite skepticism, these rumors are more than just wild speculation,* and The Outhouse feels it is our duty to bring this news to you.**

First up is the role of Starlord, which was most recently rumored to be filled by box office jinx Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The Office's John Krasinski and Smallville's Michael Rosenbaum are some of the latest lucky actors to be rumored to play Starlord, along with Outhouse news reporter ThanosCopter and your mom. Copter, the most talented of the bunch, would be the logical choice for the role, but he is unlikely to get the part because he may not be real, and also because moviegoers would likely find his rotors too distracting.

Luckily, your mom always seems open for everything.

Because she's a whore.

The role of Drax the Destroyer is more interesting, with Old Spice commercial star Isiah Mustafa and former WWE wrestler Dave Bautista rumored for the role.

Bautista, known in WWE as Batista (because most of its fans have a fourth grade or lower education and can't deal with extra vowels in names, dangit) would be an extremely risky choice for the role considering his behavior during his final days in WWE. Batista, formerly a beloved fan-favorite, took to wearing a leather jacket and not shaving during his last run in the wrestling federation, indicating that he had developed a bad boy attitude. Is this kind of rule-breaking, egotistical behavior the kind of thing Marvel wants on the set of a pivotal movie like this? If so, they would have hired Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, or Dame Judi Dench.

Of course, wrestlers have been known to for having volatile personalities, seemingly changing their personality types at the drop of a hat. It is unknown whether this is due to a higher tendency toward multiple personality disorder in athletes, or whether this psychological issue is correlated to the painkiller abuse and concussions normally associated with the sport. Even all-American darling Hulk Hogan suffered from this condition during the nineties, dressing in all black and acting like a dick after forming the rogue wrestling organization the New World Order. Hogan's personality change was so drastic that the blonde wrestler's beard hair began growing in black, the only known example of this medical abnormality.

The Outhouse asked popular 80s wrestler Kamala the Ugandan Giant for comment on the rumors, because why the fuck not, but he just slapped his belly and stared at us menacingly.

Mustafa is also a risky choice and is likely to provoke outrage among racists, who disapprove of a black actor playing a green-skinned character. "I don't like black people," said one racist, who declined to elaborate further.

We'll keep you updated on these rumors as they break or as we make them up, since there's nothing else to report on today.

* - no they aren't

** - we were bored


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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