Michael Rosenbaum, John Krasinski, Isiah Mustafa, Dave Bautista, ThanosCopter, Unemployed Mall Santa, and Your Mom Rumored for Guardians of the Galaxy Role
We're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks!
Source: Every Website on the Internet
There have been a lot of rumors flying around the internet about Guardians of the Galaxy casting. Despite skepticism, these rumors are more than just wild speculation,* and The Outhouse feels it is our duty to bring this news to you.**
First up is the role of Starlord, which was most recently rumored to be filled by box office jinx Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The Office's John Krasinski and Smallville's Michael Rosenbaum are some of the latest lucky actors to be rumored to play Starlord, along with Outhouse news reporter ThanosCopter and your mom. Copter, the most talented of the bunch, would be the logical choice for the role, but he is unlikely to get the part because he may not be real, and also because moviegoers would likely find his rotors too distracting.
Luckily, your mom always seems open for everything.
Because she's a whore.
The role of Drax the Destroyer is more interesting, with Old Spice commercial star Isiah Mustafa and former WWE wrestler Dave Bautista rumored for the role.
Bautista, known in WWE as Batista (because most of its fans have a fourth grade or lower education and can't deal with extra vowels in names, dangit) would be an extremely risky choice for the role considering his behavior during his final days in WWE. Batista, formerly a beloved fan-favorite, took to wearing a leather jacket and not shaving during his last run in the wrestling federation, indicating that he had developed a bad boy attitude. Is this kind of rule-breaking, egotistical behavior the kind of thing Marvel wants on the set of a pivotal movie like this? If so, they would have hired Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, or Dame Judi Dench.
Of course, wrestlers have been known to for having volatile personalities, seemingly changing their personality types at the drop of a hat. It is unknown whether this is due to a higher tendency toward multiple personality disorder in athletes, or whether this psychological issue is correlated to the painkiller abuse and concussions normally associated with the sport. Even all-American darling Hulk Hogan suffered from this condition during the nineties, dressing in all black and acting like a dick after forming the rogue wrestling organization the New World Order. Hogan's personality change was so drastic that the blonde wrestler's beard hair began growing in black, the only known example of this medical abnormality.
The Outhouse asked popular 80s wrestler Kamala the Ugandan Giant for comment on the rumors, because why the fuck not, but he just slapped his belly and stared at us menacingly.
Mustafa is also a risky choice and is likely to provoke outrage among racists, who disapprove of a black actor playing a green-skinned character. "I don't like black people," said one racist, who declined to elaborate further.
We'll keep you updated on these rumors as they break or as we make them up, since there's nothing else to report on today.
* - no they aren't
** - we were bored
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