A handy guide to tonight's game.
If you're reading a comic book website on Super Bowl Sunday, you're probably not all that interested in football. Still, unless you're a friendless, anti-social shut-in, you've probably been invited to a Super Bowl Party, which you don't want to go to because you a) have no interest in football or b) don't want to be socially ostricized for not knowing anything about tonight's event.
No worries, the Outhouse is here with a handy cheat sheet on how to best impress your friends at tonight's big event.
1) Ray Lewis murdered two people.
Bring that up as often as possible. If there are Ravens fans at the party, refer to him as "alleged" murderer, with air quotes. They'll love that.
2) The head coaches of the two teams are brothers.
There was actually a third Harbaugh brother, but Jim Harbaugh absorbed him in the womb. It's probably the reason he makes such good coaching decisions.
3) Joe Flacco used to have a handlebar mustache.
It made him look like a 1970's serial killer. If you have a friend whom you suspect is a serial killer, ask them if they've ever thought about growing a handlebar mustache.
4) Colin Kaepernick is the 49ers wunderkins QB.
If he starts playing poorly, be sure to loudly ask why Alex Smith (the 49ers starting QB at the beginning of the year) isn't playing.
5) The Baltimore Ravens are the original Cleveland Browns.
If there's Browns fans at the party, you must constantly bring up the fact that the Ravens moved from Cleveland in 1996 and have since appeared in the Super Bowl twice, while Cleveland has yet to field a Super Bowl team. They'll appreciate the history lesson.
6) Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, and Star Trek into Darkness all have commercials during the game tonight.
If you want to fit in at the football party, point at anyone who looks like they're excited about these movies and yell "NERRRRRRD!" really loudly.
If you follow these instructions, you'll be sure to never get an invite to a Super Bowl Party again, which is probably a good thing,
Our friends at Nix Comics are sponsoring The Outhouse this week. Show them you appreciate it by checking out their comics. One dollar from every Nix Comics sold this month will go to Kirby-4-Heroes.
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer
Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.
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