TMNT fans are grateful that Michael Bay has decided to wait a little bit longer before ruining the franchise.
Normally, fans are disappointed when a movie release date is pushed back. Not only does it mean that moviegoers need to wait longer to see the film, but it also often indicates problems with the movie that the studio is desperately trying to fix, such as a profound lack of Channing Tatum. However, fans of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a different reaction to today's news that the upcoming Michael Bay adaptation will be delayed until 2014: relief.
"I've been a fan of the turtles for almost 25 years," said Martin Jarrett of Santa Clara, CA, a self-professed TMNT superfan. "I was really disappointed that I was going to have give that up after Michael Bay completely destroys the franchise with what is sure to be an abomination of a movie. I wasn't ready to do that quite yet, and now I don't have to."
The green machine has seen some setbacks over the years, such as the introduction of female fifth turtle Venus De Milo and TMNT 3, but even those moments pale in comparison to the horrors Bay is expected to inflict on fans when the movie hits theaters.
"I grew up with the Turtles, you know, in the 1980s, which means I've seen a lot of crap," explained Turtle-loving Laura Hancock of Walpole, NH. "I saw the Turtles sing live on the Coming Out of Their Shells Tour. Short of a large-scale plague outbreak, I didn't expect to ever experience anything so horrific again in my lifetime. It traumatized me. Then I learned Michael Bay would be making a TMNT movie, and my heart sank."
We gave Ms. Hancock a moment to compose herself, but she only seemed to drift further into despair, singing quietly to herself.
"A lettuce... leaf... or a carrot..." she half-sang, half-sobbed. "Maybe a seed from... the parrot. Believe me when I tell you, the word 'gourmet' just don't exiiiiist. But pizza power... a... flying saucer food delight... pizza *SOB* power... that's what makes us feel... OH GOD!"
Perhaps there is a silver lining here, however. It was announced earlier this week that Megan Fox has been hired to play April O'Neil, the Turtles' human companion, thus signaling the end of the Fox/Bay feud that kept the two from working together, and thus allowed them to spread their awfulness to two separate projects at the same time. Then again...
"Look," said Ricardo Leger, another lifelong TMNT fan from Toledo, OH. "Normally, I would pay good money to watch Megan Fox put on April O'Neil's sexy yellow jumpsuit and bend over the hood of a car for ninety minutes. Hell, I keep a savings account secret from my wife where I put away fifty bucks every paycheck so I can hire her to do just that in ten years when her looks start to decline and she had no other talents to fall back on. But somehow, Michael Bay will ruin even this dream for me."
And that is the real tragedy here. TMNT hits theaters on June 6, 2014, unless Michael Bay can be stopped. Please, please, someone stop him.
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