Lucas Confirms Then Denies Star Wars Original Cast Rumors, Ruffalo Denies Hulk Movie
- Written by El Presidente on Thursday, March 07 2013 and posted in News and Satire
The Star Wars creator says that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have been signed. Then he says they haven't.
Source: Businessweek
Greetings, comrades! El Presidente here, reporting from inside Hugo Chavez's casket. Why? Because I don't want anyone living to hear about this scoop before you readers!
In an interview with Bloomberg Businessweek today, Star Wars creator George Lucas revealed that Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Harrison Ford were signed on to reprise their roles in Star Wars Episode 7 before Disney even bought Lucasfilm.
Discussing how he let the actors know that Disney had purchased the company, Lucas told Businessweek, "We had already signed Mark and Carrie and Harrison—or we were pretty much in final stages of negotiation. So I called them to say, ‘Look, this is what’s going on.’"
However, in a move less surprising than the glorious army of the Republic of Cuba repelling invading paramilitary commandos sent to overthrow their rightful leader by the immoral capitalist womanizer John Kennedy, Lucas retracted his statements in the very same paragraph, saying, "Maybe I’m not supposed to say that. I think they want to announce that with some big whoop-de-do, but we were negotiating with them."
"I won’t say whether the negotiations were successful or not," Lucas concluded, showing that he's learned everything he knows about transparency from the corrupt United States government.
Comrades, as sure as I lay atop the corpse of Venezuela's deceased former dictator, assassinated by the agents of American imperialism using secret CIA cancer weapons, all three original cast members will return for Star Wars Episode 7. Though he cannot admit it due to fear of a McCarthy blacklist, Lucas is a close personal friend of mine, and El Presidente knows how to read between the lines and keep the score.
In other industry credited trade scoops, Mark Ruffalo denied reports that he'd be appearing in a solo Hulk movie, further angering the increasingly paranoid El Mayimbe of that poseur rumor site, Latino-Review. El Mayimbe seems convinced that he's waging a one man war against the institution and keeps implying that he's about to drop bombs on his opponents. Of course, Mayimbe doesn't seem to grasp that warfare isn't about deception, it's about harnessing the love of the people into a weapon that can be used to humiliate your capitalist foes.
Don't you find just a tad suspicious that I get warned that Marvel is going to launch a campaign to discredit me, then (cont)
— elmayimbe (@elmayimbe) March 7, 2013
The aicn piece drops, then Whedon, & now Ruffalo. Don't you find it a tad suspicious when a simple NOT TRUE a day or so after would suffice?
— elmayimbe (@elmayimbe) March 7, 2013
The fact they came out guns blazing makes them more suspect. Don't you think?
— elmayimbe (@elmayimbe) March 7, 2013
Again, were the only outlet that got a nasty letter which you can read in Hollywood Reporter. I know I put them on quite the defensive.
— elmayimbe (@elmayimbe) March 7, 2013
And they called me paranoid when I said that the US was targeting South American leaders with a cancer gun! Guess who's laughing now? Hint: It's not Hugo!
That's all for now, comrades. I have to escape from the coffin while the funeral procession passes through a dark tunnel, lest I become the subject of some tawdry rumors myself. I'll be back tomorrow with more scoops and gossip from the number one Hollywood rumor site on the internet, CubanoReview!
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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