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Paramount Punks America, Plans to Open Star Trek in UK (Before USA)

Written by Juan Cena on Thursday, March 07 2013 and posted in News with Benefits
Paramount Punks America, Plans to Open Star Trek in UK (Before USA)

Star Trek Into Darkness to open in UK May 9, days before official US debut.


Paramount Pictures is showing once again how much Hollywood hates America. The studio has announced that Star Trek Into Darkness, J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his hugely successful Star Trek reboot, will open in the United Kingdom on May 9. That’s days before it officially opens in IMAX theaters in America on May 15.

This is yet another sign that the Hollywood film industry, which spawned The Hollywood Ten, Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, and other Godless dirty communist sympathizers despises its own country. The Outhouse is personally offended that Paramount, a company that is headquartered in a country that believes in freedom, and which thousands of American servicemen and women have given their lives to protect, would do such a thing as opening up the new Star Trek film in a foreign country.

Well, not everyone at Outhouse is offended. Known Hugo Chavez supporter El Presidente welcomes the move, and Frankenstein, made of the parts of Germans, Austrians, Bulgarians and only God knows what other European nationalities, doesn’t really see the problem. But for the most part, The American Outhousers are mad they’re going to have to wait a few days longer than their British counterparts in seeing Star Trek Into Darkness. Well, not ThanosCopter, I suppose, as his only allegiance is to the sky (though he thinks drones are cool). Jude Terror has been a little too "liberal" since moving to San Francisco. Royal Nonesuch is a New Yorker (who are all a little left-leaning, even Mayor Michael Bloomberg), Zechs’ allegiance  is to Cobra, and...crap, I'm surrounded by the enemy!!!

Anyhow, Star Trek is an American institution. Just like Elvis, Stephen Colbert, Coca-Cola, and football. (The real kind, not that wussy Euro kind where they kick the ball around and tie a lot). It should open in America, not the UK, which manages to be socialist even with the Conservative Party in power. The next thing you know, Paramount will hold the world premiere of GI Joe: Retaliation in Cuba. That cannot be allowed to happen.


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