Marvel Announces New Plan to Destroy Digital Comics
- Written by ThanosCopter on Sunday, March 10 2013 and posted in News and Satire
The comics publisher plans to kill digital comics with kindness.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Marvel announced the release of over 700 free comics from its catalog today at the SXSW Festival at Austin. All 700 comics are first issues of various series, ranging from historic comics such as Fantastic Four #1, Avengers #1 and Uncanny X-Men #1, to more modern comics such Fantastic Four #1, Avengers #1 and Uncanny X-Men #1. "Here's a bunch of free comic books," said Marvel chief Joe Quesada to a massive crowd. "Quickly, get on your digital devices right now and download them all! Come on people, everyone get your iPhones out right now!"
However, unbeknownst to the thousands of customers flooding Comixology's servers, the announcement was part of a new plan to destroy the fledgling digital comics initiative. "Yeah, we just crowdsourced a DDoS attack on Comixology," Quesada admitted to the Outhouse shortly after the popular digital comic source's server crashed from all the traffic. "Now, no one will be able to enjoy the digital comic books ever! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!"
A DDoS attack, otherwise known as a direct denial of service attack, is a digital hacking attack which overloads a website's servers with traffic request, overcrowding the server and preventing normal customers from using its services. While most DDoS attacks involve a small amount of computers repeatedly attacking a victim's servers, some websites have suffered from "friendly DDoS" attacks, when they've simply been overwhelmed by traffic from an outside source.
Comixology was trying its hardest to fix the server issues. "Scotty, where are we on the server problem?" said James T. Kirk, Comixology's captain of digital comics services, when asked about the server overload.
"The servahs, they cannae take moar traffic!" responded Montgomery Scott, Comixology's chief software engineer.
Comics fans responded negatively to Comixology's woes. "FREE COMICS?!" said one crazed fan. "WHERE ARE MY FREE COMICS?!? WHY CAN'T I GET MY FREE COMICS?!?! MAYBE IF I RELOAD THE COMIXOLOGY APP FIFTY MORE TIMES ON MY PHONE, I CAN GET FREE COMICS!!"
"How will I know if Marvel has responded to my criticism of not having enough crappy comics from the 1970s unless I get on," said another. "The Black Knight #1 from the 1970s is one of the 500 strongest #1s I've ever read. Comixology would be stupid not to include it in the offering."
Luckily, Marvel's free comic overload will be available until Tuesday. "Tuesday?!" said Comixology Engineer Scott. "The servers cannae take moar traffic through Tuesday!"
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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