The lack of canceled books has many experts fearing a news recession.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
The comic book website industry was dealt a shocking blow today when DC Comics released their full monthly solicitations, which did not contain a single cancelation. The solicits, which usually feature the cancelation of at least two to four books each month, give the industry something to write articles about, which in turn provokes intelligent conversation on message board forums, and which ultimately results in an increase in delicious unique hits, the currency of the internet. The lack of cancelations puts many comic book websites, already struggling in a poor economy, in dire straits.
"Blimey, I don't know 'ow I'm gunna feed me wife and me kids now, do I?" said Rich Johnston, a notable internet rumor-monger and apparent nineteenth century orphan. "Pip pip and all that, right wut? I can barely keep bangers and mash on the table. Cancel at least one book, DC. We're bloody starvin', we are."
DC Comics executives are aware of their mistake, and working to find a solution.
"We understand that we have a responsibility to the ecosystem of websites that support themselves by running ghoulish stories full of wild speculation and unfounded criticism about our business strategies," said DC head honcho Dan Didio. "We're looking into ways we can rectify the situation and give these sites something to talk about. Maybe we promise Stephanie Brown will appear in the Arbor Day issue of Lil' Gotham, then switch her out with Barry Allen in drag at the last minute. Or maybe we merge Fables into the DCU."
"We'll do something stupid very soon, we promise," added Co-Publisher Geoff Johns.
"See if there are any more female creators we can fire via email," ordered Didio, struck with inspiration. "That'll get everyone going for a week or two."
Not all websites are suffering from the news recession, however. One in particular may actually be thriving.
"I can't say it really affects us much, as we just make up most of our news anyway," said Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer. "We feel this makes us much more flexible in the current market, and puts us in a unique position to increase our margins and ultimately become more profitable."
Following Hoffer's comments, stock in The Outhouse rose to an all time high of $0.01 per share.
For those keeping score, it should be noted that the signs of this economic disaster were in plain sight long before the solicitations hit email boxes. Notable cancelation economist and denim spokesperson Rob Liefeld, who is known for announcing DC's canceled books via Twitter before DC does, did not predict that any books would be shitcanned this month.
"You all should have seen this coming," tweeted Liefeld, laughing merrily. "Who's the talentless hack who can't draw feet now, huh?"
"Oh, it's still me," he realized, depressed.