The Catholic Church announced that it was rebooting its papacy in order to appeal to lapsed churchgoers.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
The Catholic Church has just signalled that it had elected a new Pope via a plume of white smoke rising from the Sistine Chapel. However, in a shocking twist, a column of light grey smoke rose up from a chimney affixed on the rooftop of the Basilica of St. John Lateran's, signalling an even rarer event: a Catholic reboot.
"We've decided to reboot the papacy," said Cardinal Daniel Didio of the Archdiocese of DC. "Making the Catholic Church easier to access while doing away with the dead weight and scandals."
Didio announced that the new Catholic Church lacks the sexual abuse scandal and internal politics that marred the previous Catholic Church and that the 2000 years of church history had been condensed into "about five years". However, many of the beloved Church saints and historical figures will remain intact. "St. Augustine, St. Francis, St. Peter and Jesus all appear in the New Catholic Church," said Didio. "But I think everyone will be very surprised as to what roles they play."
Didio also announced that the traditional papal robes would be getting a much needed redesign. "We've given the robes a high collar, done away with the papal underpants, and added a blade to the papal crosier to make the pope seem more gritty," said Cardinal Jim Lee, the head of the Papal Design Department.
The Catholic blog community immediately began to salivate over the news. "I find the prospect of a completely rebooted Catholic Church to be invigorating," said Gus Sterlingham, a reporter for CatholicBooks.net. "Just think of the possibilities for articles I can write. 'Is Joseph Gordon-Levitt a candidate for sainthood in the NuCCU?' 'Will JGL play Moses in a remake of the Ten Commandments?' 'Is JGL the Second Coming of Jesus? (Yes!)' I need to get to my keyboard!"
While we're still waiting to hear details about the new pope, Cardinal Didio stated that his name would begin with a "I", and that he had a darker, more realistic background that would appeal to modern day Catholics. Didio refused to say if the new pope's views on controversial issues such as contraception, homosexuality or women priests would be addressed, saying only, "I think there's a sexy appeal to the new pope, and he's radically different than before."
Reaction to the papal reboot was mixed. "I don't like it," said James Wenisus, a 75 year old mason from Detroit. "I didn't like it when they rebooted the Church away from Latin and I certainly don't like it now."
"How does Jesus's history fit into this continuity?" complained Mitchell Kalum, a typical fanboy. "If the NuChurch has only been around for five years, that means Jesus was only active for what, six months tops? How could he have had twelve apostles in that time?"
"DC has ruined Christianity!", he added.
However, lapsed Catholics seemed intrigued. "I definitely will be heading to Church this Sunday to see what's different," said 40 year old Mary Alsmore, who hasn't attended church since high school. "But I probably still won't like it."