The former Cuban dictator will play the alien warrior in Marvel's upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie.
El Presidente here, reporting from from the international space station. Why? Because this news is out of this world, comrades!
The Hollywood Reporter is confirming that former Cuban dictator Fulgencio "Dave" Batista will play Drax in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy movie. The casting has been rumored for months, and the story was, of course, broken by myself way back in 2009, but none of you saw the scoop because your imperialist government has blocked my webservers to prevent the American people from experiencing the hottest Hollywood rumors and celebrity gossip. As a result, that poser El Mayimbe over at LatinoReview is taking credit for getting the scoop on this back in January of this year.
Comrades, do you think El Presidente hasn't kept tabs on Batista since I deposed him during the glorious Cuban revolution in 1959? My communist spies have followed his every move, friends, and I personally watched every episode of WWE Smackdown while he was on the show.
While I'm impressed that Fulgencio has managed to maintain such a stunning physique for a 113 year old man, you must not let that fool you into a false sense of complacency. As president of Cuba, this man used connections with drug lords and the American mafia to murder thousands of people, and I have no doubt that he will use his newfound star power to do so again if left unchecked. And in the WWE, he blatantly broke the sacred rules of wrestling whenever the referee's back was turned in order to secure victory over true people's heroes like John Cena and Randy Orton, and was suspended multiple times for violating the organization's policies on performance enhancing drugs. He is a bad man.
Luckily, moviegoers, you have your friend El Presidente to look out for you. Just as I defied the butthurt trade embargoes your fascist government imposed on the proud nation of Cuba for fifty years because they couldn't deal with my superior, enlightened form of government, so shall I stand against the casting of a brutal dictator as one of the Marvel Universe's most beloved cosmic heroes. Surely there is a better choice for the role, such as lovable heartthrob Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or perhaps even Batista's old WWE colleague, The Rock.
Then again, if my old rival's acting skills are anything like his ability to turn a peaceful, democratic nation into a miserable, fascist police state that ignores the needs of its people in order to play lapdog to its capitalist American masters, then perhaps he will have a lot to bring to Guardians of the Galaxy. That, or the movie will totally bomb. As Karl Marx always said, we will have to wait and see.
Stay tuned to CubanoReview, the number one source of industry certified trade scoops on the interwebs, for more hot Hollywood gossip!
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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