DC Comics has had a rough week. The beleaguered publisher came under fire on Wednesday when news broke that Andy Diggle was walking off the creative team of Action Comics on the same day previews of his run were published in DC's weekly comics. Series artist Tony Daniel was announced as his replacement, but Daniel had to find out via Facebook post. Joshua Hale Fialkov walked off his job as writer of Green Lantern Corps and Red Lantern the same day, and it later came out that he did it because DC was planning to kill prominent black Green Lantern John Stewart. To top things off, DC co-publisher Dan Didio is struggling to defeat reigning DC March Madness bracket champion and unpaid intern Vlad Kozinkerov.
So yeah, it's been a rough week, but DC executives have an idea to turn things around. Their strategy? "People should stop saying bad things about us on the internet," said Didio in an exclusive fictional interview between The Outhouse and DC Comics' top executive talent. "Especially if it's true, and if it makes us look bad."
Well, that's an interesting strategy.
"Andy Diggle is a tattletale," said Didio, pouting. "It wasn't nice of him to let people know he had walked off the book rather than let us cover it up as a planned Nu52 creative team shakeup."
"We could have spun this in a way that made us look much better," Didio explained, shaking his head sadly.
Of course, Diggle was the least of Didio's problems. Fans are already pretty much convinced that DC's management is at best bumbling and incompetent, but there's still some doubt as to whether they are also unabashed racists.
"Was it really necessary for Josh Fialkov to reveal that we were planning to kill off John Stewart?" asked a visibly frustrated Didio. "I mean, chances are, we would have changed our minds about it before the book came out."
"No, we wouldn't have," he added, after thinking about it.
"Yes," he reconsidered. "We would have."
So do these new rules apply only to DC's employees, or should they apply to everyone?
"We think things would go a lot smoother for us if everyone agreed to follow the new rules," proposed co-publisher Jim Lee. "Obviously, we have no way of enforcing it, but frankly, I think our readers should also be forbidden from criticizing our products in public. It hurts sales, and it hurts our feelings."
"Fans should, at least publicly, support the company line," he affirmed. "If it's our position that Barbara Gordon is the best Batgirl and that Stephanie Brown is toxic, is it responsible for fans to keep bringing Steph up? You might feel that way personally, but it's not nice to say it on message boards or in snarky internet articles."
"Personally, I found it really egregious when we attempted to quietly fire Gail Simone off Batgirl, and she went and told people about it on Twitter," said Bob Harras, editor in chief. "That was a private email correspondence between us and Gail. It makes us look bad for people to think that we would fire a popular creator from a successful book without even a phone call."
But that is what they did, isn't it?
"Yes, but it makes us look bad," he replied.
"We're not talking about drastic changes in behavior," said chief creative officer Geoff Johns. "We don't want to control people."
"Just, maybe," he suggested, "if you're going to make a Facebook post about how Wally West is the best Flash, maybe you say that Barry Allen is the best Flash instead. I mean, that's what we think."
"It's rude to disagree," agreed Didio.
"For the record, he is the best Flash," Johns continued. "And Hal Jordan is the best Green Lantern, and Barbara is the best Batgirl. We can't say it any more clearly than that, so I hope people are reading this and they finally get it."
"It's crystal clear," warned Didio, looking us directly in the eyes.
"If you disagree, that's okay," added Lee, his arms folded menacingly. "But just keep quiet about it. You know, or else..."
"Or else..." repeated Harras, cracking his knuckles.
"Snitches get stitches," concluded Didio, pounding his fist into his palm.