When the Papal Conclave, the secret gathering of high-ranking cardinals responsible for choosing popes and deciding which college football teams play in which bowl games, chose Jorge Mario Bergoglio as the next pontiff, devout Catholics were prepared for some things to change. They probably weren't prepared for them to change this much, however. Nevertheless, Pope Francis shocked the world this morning when he told his followers that he would not be holding Easter mass this Sunday, citing more important things to do that day.
"I-a think-a I'm-a gonna watch-a The Walking Dead-a instead-a," said Francis, who apparently speaks with a bad, stereotypical Italian accent despite being from Argentina. "It's-a good-a show-a. And it's-a not-a all that-a different-a from-a Jesus's story."
While the story of our lord and savior Jesus Christ does technically involve the dead rising from the grave, most would agree that the similarities end there, with references to Jesus's hunger for the brains of the living being referenced in only the most obscure gnostic texts, long stricken from official Church records. Still, Pope Francis seemed undeterred.
"Game of Thrones-a comes-a back-a this Sunday too-a," he told a crowd of 50,000 gathered outside St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City. "It was really-a poor-a scheduling for Jesus to rise-a on the day-a two great shows are airing. My-a children, I urge-a you to stay-a home-a on Easter Sunday and watch-a Game of Thrones on-a the HBO."
"I have to see-a The Walking Dead finale," he concluded. "I need to know-a what-a happens to Daryl, and I'm-a hoping-a that dumb bitch Andrea gets-a eaten in this episode. Seriously, what is-a wrong-a with her?"
The pope went on to suggest that perhaps Easter could be postponed until after some of his favorite shows had gone off the air, and that the long-running holiday might work better on a Tuesday, when there's "nothing really on TV worth watching." Francis also pointed out other benefits to delaying the holiday, such as an extension of the period of time when Cadbury Creme Eggs will be available in stores.
The Outhouse will keep you updated on Pope Francis's geek TV show watching habits, and be sure to visit our forums on Sunday to discuss the finale of The Walking Dead and the debut of Game of Thrones Season 3.