In his 2013 State of the Union Address, president Barack Obama finally addressed the ongoing cyber attacks that have been perpetrated against U.S. corporations and interests by hackers associated with the Chinese government for well over a decade. President Obama warned the Chinese government that the attacks needed to stop. Unfortunately, Chinese officials reportedly did not take the accusations seriously, releasing a statement that read: "We Chinese. We play joke. We put pee pee in your Coke. Using sophisticated computer hacking techniques." Furious, President Obama fired back today, announcing that Michael Bay, the reprehensible director responsible for such cinematic abominations as Pearl Harbor, the Friday the 13th remake, and Bad Boys 2, to China to film his latest installment in the Transformers franchise, Transformers 4.
"The Chinese may be smarter than us," said a stern Obama. "They may be better at math and science, and manufacturing, and creating delicious sweet and sour sauce. But no one can top the United States in the area of terrible filmmaking, and amongst even those elite ranks, Michael Bay is, by far, the worst."
"It's American Exceptionalism at its finest," he added. "Prepare for a reckoning."
For his part, Bay doesn't seem offended by the implied insults. Instead, the director seems to be embracing his status as the universally accepted standard for bad movie making. "I'm going to show those Chinese bastards what America is made of," Bay told the press this morning, "just like the characters did in my movie, Pearl Harbor."
The director later clarified that, when talking about the stuff America was "made of," he was not referring to all of the Chinese products and components that make up basically every single thing Americans buy and use every day, but, rather, intangible characteristics such as "gumption," "moral fiber," and "morbid obesity."
After the massive success of Skids and Mudflap in the previous Transformers film, Bay intends to add some Asian robots to the sequel sequel. The characters will be called Chow Mein and Hoisin. Bay has confirmed the characters will have "oriental features," but has denied any racist intent.
"Oh they're squinters for sure", said the Hollywood director with a laugh, "But I am definitely not racist. These characters are sure to appeal to all demographics. We're certain you'll love them long time"
Since people who aren't racists are often forced to tell people they aren't racist, we will take him at his word.
According to Paramount, the movie will be a joint production with China Movie Channel, Jiaflix Enterprises, and Panda Express, with the hope being that association with Bay will destroy all three corporations from within, clearing the way for American corporations to ship more jobs over to China to take their place. "Shut up and watch more television," said Paramount CEO Gordon Gekko when asked how such a plan was going to help Americans.
Due to a desire to slip more casual racism into articles under the guise of jingoistic patriotism to increase our popularity with Republican voters, The Outhouse promises to keep you updated on future developments, unless Chinese hackers take down our site with a well-deserved DDOS attack.