Forty-two year old Nathan Rodriguez of Troy, VT is an average American. Or, at least, he was, before he read the latest issue of Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples. The popular Image Comics series has been a favorite of Rodriguez and his family - wife Cynthia, daughter Sandra (12), and son Nathan Jr. (14) - since it began early last year. However, reading Saga #12 may have destroyed this loving family forever.
"This morning, when we went to the comic shop to pick up the latest issue, we were in a great mood," Cynthia told reporters. "We were really looking forward to reading about alien assassins having sex with mutant spider-ladies, naked giant testicles, six-year-old sex slaves, and characters who say things like 'shoot it in my twat.'"
"You know, wholesome family entertainment," she added. "But what we found inside was more than we bargained for."
Cynthia, of course, is referring to two tiny images in the comic of homosexual oral sex. The inclusion of the scenes sparked a controversy yesterday when it was revealed that Apple had banned the comic from appearing as an in-app purchase on Comixology or any other digital comics providers on its iOS devices. The comic is also not available on Android devices, thought Google has denied involvement, leading many to question Apple's blame in the incident. Just now, a new development revealed that Comixolgy was actually behind the whole thing, and Apple just took the fall for it. Saga is now being made available through the app on all platforms.
"Dad was acting strange all morning," said Nathan Rodriguez Jr. of his father's behavior. "He had this kind of... depraved look in his eyes."
"Then he told us he was going out for a pack of cigarettes, and he was gone for four hours," explained Cynthia, sobbing. "He doesn't even smoke!"
So where was Nathan for all of that time? The answer will shock and appall you if you are an unabashed homophobe, which all decent people should be. Nathan was having gay sex.
"I've been a heterosexual for my entire life," Nathan told The Outhouse in an exclusive interview. "But that's only because I didn't realize how hot gay sex is. Once I saw that tiny image of a man having sex with another man, I was like, 'Ooooooh, that's what that's all about. Yeah, I'm into that.' So I went out and had some gay sex."
"It's not like I don't still love my family," Nathan continued, the stubble on his upper lip indicating that he has already begun growing a Freddie Mercury mustache. "I just don't love them like that, you know. I'm only interested in men and the television show Glee now."
Nathan's story represents the worst fears of conservative leaders and other hate-fueled lunatics come to fruition. "This is exactly what we warned people would happen if all these gay comics were allowed to exist," said Stupid Bitch, leader of the One Million Moms, a Facebook group that tried to get Marvel and DC to stop including gay characters in their comics last year before being defeated by an activism campaign led by The Outhouse. "Nobody listened to us, and now a family has been destroyed forever."
Bitch only hopes Nathan Rodriguez's story can serve as a cautionary tale for other comic book fans who might not realize that reading a comic book could turn them from god-fearing Christians to cock-gobbling deviants. This reporter has refused to even look at the cover of the issue, for fear that I might run immediately out the door in search of a bath house in which to engage in debaucherous gay sex. I really don't want to, but feel I probably wouldn't be able to help myself. As for the Rodriguez family...
"We just want our father back," pleaded Sandra Rodriguez. "Please daddy. Come back to us."
At press time, Nathan Rodriguez had last been spotted on a train to New York City's Chelsea neighborhood, where he plans to start a new life as a sassy hairdresser. He was wearing leather pants and looking fabulous.
(Preview images below are read at your own risk. The Outhouse is not responsible for any gay sex you may unwittingly have after viewing these pages.)