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Marvel and DC Planning Explicit Gay Sex Events

Marvel and DC Planning Explicit Gay Sex Events

Jealous of all the attention Image Comics' Saga #12 is getting after being banned for explicit gay sex scenes, the big two publishers are racing to include explicit gay sex in their own comics.



Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
 

Last year, both Marvel and DC received a lot of attention for their inclusion of gay characters in prominent situations in their comic books. For Marvel, it was the meaningful same-sex wedding of longtime X-Man Northstar in Astonishing X-Men, the culmination of a longterm relationship that had been evolving in Marvel comics since 2009. For DC, it was the reveal that a rebooted version of fourth-string Green Lantern Alan Scott in an alternate continuity universe title doomed to eventual cancelation is gay. Ok, so maybe Marvel's was a better idea.

In any case, it turned out to be fairly lucrative for them to exploit a hot social issue for comic book sales, so you can imagine their sharklike grins as they watched the media feeding frenzy over the 24 hour ban of Saga #12 due to explicit gay blowjob scenes play out earlier this week.

After learning that both Apple and Google were cool with explicit gay blowjob scenes, regardless of the consequences, DC and Marvel separately called meetings to determine how to organically place gay blowjobs in their comics. Using a sonic x-ray spycam attachment to our star reporter ThanosCopter, we are able to exclusively report on the happenings at those meetings, starting with Marvel's.

The following is a dramatization reenacted from Copter's memory banks. The events should be taken not as libelous facts, but rather our representation of the conversations and events based on ThanosCopter's best recollection.  It is entirely possible that ThanosCopter made these up out of boredom, but as yesterday's Saga/Apple/Comixology drama shows, comic book news sites very rarely do any sort of factchecking: 

"What if a bald bearded dude gave Wolverine a blowjob?" asked Jason Aaron, a bald bearded writer.

"Well, I guess Northstar could receive a blowjob or something," said Marjorie Liu, writer of last summer's Northstar wedding scene.

Jason Aaron cut her off. "What if we had Northstar grow a big black beard, put on like 50 pounds, and shave his head and then give Wolverine a blowjob while wearing an AC-DC shirt?"

"It'd look identical to the one I'm wearing now!" he somewhat unnecessarily pointed out.

"I've been building up to a scene where Spider-Ock forcibly receives a blowjob from a short person. It's a girl, but if we brought in Humberto Ramos it could look like a dude," said Dan Slott.

"Isn't that a bit rapey?" asked a Marvel editor.

"Nope, forcible blowjobs and rape are totally different," responded Stephen Wacker while a stern looking Mark Waid stood in the shadows behind him, cracking his knuckles menacingly. "And I will defend this on every message board on the Internet for the next month if someone says otherwise."

"What about an Iceman on Iceman blowjob scene?" asked "The Great One" Brian Bendis.

"What if both Icemen put on like 50 pounds, grew big black beards and shaved their heads and then gave Wolverine a blowjob?" suggested Jason Aaron. "While wearing matching AC/DC shirts!"

"I'm not really familiar with gay blowjobs," said Bendis. "But can two dudes blow Wolverine at once?"

"Wolverine has two dicks," replied Jason Aaron solemnly. "One for fucking and the other for lovemaking."

Meanwhile, at the hall of justice...

"Wait a minute, asked an exuberant Dan Didio, Co-Publisher of DC Comics, from behind a desk desk built of human skulls in the penthouse office of DC's headquarters. "We can put explicit gay blowjobs in our comics to generate a cheap and unsustainable sales boost? We can do this right now?"

Didio stood up from his desk, walked over to the wall, and used a small hammer to break a glass case protecting a big red button labeled "In case of Mainstream Gay Blowjob Acceptance, Break Glass." Alarms began sounding throughout DC's headquarters while a half dozen emails were instantly fired off from secure servers that had lain dormant for weeks, firing random creators. A cold, emotionless voice began speaking on the office public address system.

"Attention DC employees. We are undergoing another massive editorial direction change. Please remain calm and follow procedures."

"Whadaya need, boss?" barked Editor in Chief Bob Harras as he barged into Didio's office.

"This September is Gay Blowjob Month at DC!" Didio replied. "We need 52 comics of dudes blowing dudes."

"We don't have that sort of manpower!" screamed Harras. "I've only got fifteen licensed gay blowjob artists."

"Call everyone in the rolodex! Bring in every exiled writer we have! Chuck Dixon! John Byrne! Rob Liefeld! Chuck Austen! Claremont! Jurgens! Len Wein! Bring them all!"

Harras quickly pulled out his rolodex, which is actually a bar napkin with Scott Lobdell's phone number scrawled on it in red lipstick, and began making phone calls.

"I've already got a script for Hal and Barry," boasted Chief Creative Officer Geoff Johns, pulling up his personal Tumblr blog on his Blackberry. "Fifteen scripts, actually."

Grant Morrison suddenly materialized in the office. "I have a great idea for a Wonder Woman comic in which it's revealed that she's actually a man."

"Sold!" bellowed Didio as he inexplicably started throwing papers in the air. "Fifty-two blowjobs! We're gonna do this thing!!!"

"Oi, I'll get right on that, I will!" shrieked Dan Didio's secretary, Rich Johnston in a Wig in a shrill falsetto. Seconds later and 800 miles away in Chicago, Illinois, Brian Azarello's eyes swelled up with tears while he read an email with the subject "good luck in your future endeavors."

Unfortunately, at that point, ThanosCopter had to return to base for refueling, but we believe we got enough information to confidently announce that Marvel and DC Comics will be running month-long gay blowjob media events, possibly as early as September. We'll keep you updated as the situation develops, or as soon as we see another opportunity to repeatedly fit the phrase "gay blowjobs" into an article in order to boost our search engine ranking for gay blowjobs.




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About the Author - Jude Terror


Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably.  Ironically, our webmaster, whose website skills know no end, has very little understanding of social networks or how they work.  Regardless, you can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, but would probably have the most luck just emailing him.

 


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