Saturday, October 20, 2018 • Afternoon Edition • "Be glad we're not indoors."

Frank’s Conversations With Not Alive People: Thanos

Frank’s Conversations With Not Alive People: Thanos

Wise man once say “Only Frank could go to Titan.”


Hi friends of Frank, Frank is doing well, thank you for asking. Frank hope you do good too. Today Frank have special treat for readers of Frank; Frank interview Thanos! It exciting. Frank no scared to ask Thanos hard questions, what Mad Titan do, Frank already no alive!

Below is transcript:


Frank: Frank want first say “thank you” to Thanos for interview. Frank know Thanos’ time important and Frank appreciate Thanos taking time to talk to Frank.

Thanos: Although you are an unworthy creature, I am happy to allow you this opportunity to learn from me.

Frank: That rude, but no matter. Frank first question: Does Thanos have learning disability?

Thanos: YOU DARE?

Frank: Hear Frank out. Thanos always attacking Earth and Earth heroes and Thanos no ever win. Why Thanos no go after easier targets? Why Thanos no ever learn from mistakes?

Thanos: Earth is the crown jewel of the galaxy and it must belong to Thanos!

Frank: Why?

Thanos: What do you mean?

Frank: Why Earth so important? We no have as good technology as Shi’ar, Skrulls have neat ability to shape shift, Brood seem like they be good match for Thanos, why not conquer other galaxies first and come to Earth with big army?

Thanos: Earth must belong to The Mad Titan!

Frank: Frank get that, kinda, but Frank no know why Earth such big deal and why Thanos no work up to Earth level by conquering easier targets. It like video game and Thanos always skip to last boss battle. You no have enough XP to win!

Thanos: The Shi’ar are beneath Thanos’ notice. Bird people have no place in Thanos’ kingdom!

Frank: Then why no destroy them?

Thanos: Next question!

Frank: Thanos still no answer why Earth such big deal?


Frank: That toddler logic! Thanos want more cookie too?

Thanos: Yes, that would be very nice.

Frank: FRANK BE SARCASTIC! But hold on, now Frank want cookie.

[5 minute cookie break]

Frank: Those good cookies! Frank move on. Thanos, what up with Thanos Rising?

Thanos: In preparation for my inevitable lordship over Earth, I hired the inter-dimensional PR firm, Landau, Luckman, and Lake (LLL) to prepare the populace for my arrival. LLL thought that it would be wise to put out some literature…

Frank: Propaganda?

Thanos: Literature, in order to educate Earthlings about who and what Thanos truly is in hope to counter-act the Liberal Media’s unfair portrayal of myself.

Frank: Thanos kill half Universe! How that unfair?

Thanos: No one ever talks about the half I spared.


Thanos: LLL thought it would be best to hire a comic book company to distribute the literature [looks at Frank], but I became too distracted by the Badoon and the accursed Guardians Of The Galaxy to remember to ask for script approval.

Frank: Meaning?

Thanos: The book is no good! Thanos is not a tragic figure! I AM THE MAD TITAN, and there is no need to make up stories about my mother or childhood that “excuse” me. I am a force of nature, a universal constant, the end all and be all of everything alive and dead! I do not mourn the loss of such petty things as friends and parental affection.

Frank: Plus, book really ugly.

Thanos: I know, right! What in the name of the 60 moons of Saturn were LLL thinking when they conscripted Simone Bianchi to draw the Thanos book? Jason Aaron I get, although he will suffer for his lies, but Bianchi is even less worthy of Thanos than some abominable golem such as yourself.

Frank: HEY, that it, Thanos about to join Frank’s collection!

Thanos: Like that matters, you have any idea how many times Thanos has “died?” I survive because my one true love, Death, has yet to find me worthy enough to remain by her side for all eternity.

Frank: That and she have crush on Deadpool.

Thanos: This interview is over!


That was fun! Frank think Frank could take Thanos, he just purple version of Darksied anyways, and Frank no have trouble with that guy either.


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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.

Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.


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