According to breaking news coming out of CinemaCon, respected actor Stanley Tucci has been cast in Michael Bay's upcoming cinematic abortion, Transformers 4. The news is being reporter by Ain't It Cool News, a geek news outlet which last updated its website sometime around the time Tucci co-wrote, co-directed, and starred in the critically acclaimed drama Big Night. The move is being called "career suicide" by industry analysts.
"I've been feeling kind of depressed lately," Tucci's career told us in a candid interview. "It's like nothing is fun in life anymore. I feel kind of lonely and unfulfilled. I just want to end it all by starring in a terrible movie directed by Michael Bay that will probably get a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and be mocked relentlessly by fat nerds on the internet."
"It will likely be panned universally, despite making a huge profit at the box office" Tucci's career added. "The world won't have ol' Stanley Tucci's career to kick around anymore."
The Outhouse believes career suicide is a serious matter, and we urge anyone who is feeling unusual urges, such as the urge to start in any movie directed by Michael Bay, to seek help immediately. In fact, our own star reporter ThanosCopter often volunteers at a career suicide prevention hotline, and we asked him for some tips that might help out actors who are considering ruining a lifetime of hard work to gain the respect of their peers and the movie-going public by starring in a Michael Bay movie.
"Don't do it," ThanosCopter explained. "It's not worth it."
"Michael Bay sucks," he concluded.
We can only hope Stanley Tucci's career gets the help it needs before it's too late.
Transformers 4 is in pre-production right now, with Mark Wahlberg in the lead role after Shia LaBeouf's career's life was tragically ended by starring in the first three films. It's scheduled to hit theaters on June 27, 2014. There will be lots of explosions.