God, the omnipotent deity best known for his roles in Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the creation of the universe, has lashed out against Avatar Press due to its ownership of the gossip website Bleeding Cool. The comics publisher's offices were struck by lightning this morning, resulting in a power outage and the destruction of several phones.
The deity appeared ready to lash out against the publisher, which received as many Eisner nominations as the Outhouse, after he published a lightning gif. on his tumblr this morning under the title "Thou shalt not post baseless rumors on thy website."
Eyewitness accounts stated that God appeared in the form of a crudely animated cloud and rained down holy lightning upon the comic publisher's headquarter. "Spelling out thou spoilers in the first letter of sentences is uncouth!" yelled the diety angrily.
As he continued to blast the building, God continued to rage against the website. "Thou shall not covet thy other sites article ideas and claim them as thou own!" he said, referring to BleedingCool often ripping article ideas from Reddit and claiming them as unique thoughts.
"Spellcheck, motherfucker, dost thou own it?" God then roared as a lightning blast shattered the windows of cars parked nearby. "If so, then why art thou articles strewn with typos?"
"Thou should be ashamed about trying to profit off the Boston Marathon bombings," He then shouted, referring to a recent article in which the website wrongly opined that the Boston Comic Con would be shut down after Monday's explosions. "Thou reasoning was a joke and thou looked like a total dillweed. Well, even more of a dillweed then usual." Johnston claimed on Twitter that his readership needed the exploitative article in order to cancel travel plans.
"Speaking of exploitative," God rumbled. ""When thou dost criticize Dan Slott's Superior Spider-Man for the sake of cheap hits, do so without using the plight of a nine-year-old boy with cancer, dick."
"Oh, and stop thou commentary on American politics," God added, throwing one last lightning bolt at Avatar's offices. "Thou art not from America. Thou know nothing, Jon Snow....I mean, Rich Johnston." God then mumbled something about needing to see a man about a goat and then flew off, leaving a number of scared and fearful Brits in his wake.
It's unknown if Bleeding Cool will respond to this attack, but it's believed that Rich is already trying to spin the attack into some self-congratulatory article about how awesome and important he is.
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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