BOSTON – This weekend, thousands of comic book and pop culture fans will descend into Boston for the annual Boston Comic Con, and, as with any event where there are lots of people in a confined space, there are some simple things you can do to come away from the convention unharmed all while having a little bit of fun. If you are looking for advice on how to make your Comic Con experience more comfortable, we suggest the myriad of other sites that are providing information on how to prepare for a comic convention disguised as “survival guides.” This public service is no hyperbole and should be taken and read with the utmost reverence and respect.
Remember, your life may depend on it.
(Both CNN and The New York Post would like to stress that in no way is either party implying, supporting, condoning, or providing any kind of profile, racial or otherwise.)
1 – The majority of attendants at comic book conventions are short, overweight, unkempt men who appear to be allergic to the sun; therefore if you see what appears to be a troll, dwarf, goblin, or any other mystical stout and/or unshaven creature, DO NOT overreact. They are the normal ones. In order to safely traverse the Boston Comic Con, keep an eye out for clean shaven (including ‘shaped’ beards), greater than or average height, athletic looking men dressed as if they were about to go out to dinner with something called a “girl.” They are the outsiders and should be monitored at all times.
2 – Unlike concerts where wearing the shirt of the band you are there to see is taboo, authentic Comic Con attendees routinely wear clothing emulating their favorite character, team, publisher, cartoon, or whatever adds to the increasing levels of arrested development in society is at the moment. Many fans go so far as to dress up as said characters. As a result, bumping into a storm trooper is not cause for alarm. On the other hand, bumping into a muscled person wearing a New England Patriots jersey, on the other hand, should set off your spidey-sense (as such a person would have when you were in high-school). There is no reason for these so called “jocks” to be at a Comic Con, trolling for people to do their homework for them. Keep eyes on anyone fitting this description… from a distance.
3 – Despite what popular culture and activist blogs want you to believe, there is no place for girls in comic book fandom. If you are new to the convention scene, you might be off put by the constant staring and attention any semi-attractive female receives over the weekend. It might even appear that a whole convention hall full of troglodytes is ogling all women at all times. It might come off as creepy and borderline harassment, but that is just a misperception. The makeshift army of convention guests is merely being cautious, even those with restraining orders against them back home.
4 – Barbed wire, ‘tribal’ designs, and Chinese/Japanese letters tattooed on the arm of any attendee is cause for alarm. Not only are these not comic book themed tattoos, but they are lame and are proof of weak character. These may be the most dangerous of all the outsiders on the convention floor. Unlike the typical guests, they think they are cool. However, unlike the outliers in regular clothes and built like they have eaten vegetables on a regular basis, these ruffians are self-delusional fools and very dangerous. One should not engage in direct conversation as it will inevitably turn to the question of “how awesome is Ed Hardy?”
In summary, stay clear of average looking men, 5 ft 8 in – 6 ft 2 in / under 300 lbs dressed in clothes he could wear somewhere else, all girls, and Ed Hardy merchandise. In short, do what you’ve done your entire life, and good luck.