CubanoReview: Agent Coulson's Return Revealed, Gwyneth Paltrow's Hairy Iron Man Situation (Spoilers)
El Presidente here, reporting from the Coloring Book Wing of the George W. Bush Presidential Library! Oh, who am I kidding! The entire library is the Coloring Book Wing!
Comrades, I have an exciting rumor to report on today! Slashfilm reports that a trusted source has told them how Agent Phil Coulson, who was seemingly killed by Loki in last summer's The Avengers blockbuster movie, returns for Joss Whedon's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. television drama! According to the source, government spook Nick Fury faked Agent Coulson's death in order to motivate the Avengers, and Coulson has been laying low until the heat died down. It may not be the most inventive way to bring the character back for the show, but it's certainly the most realistic depiction of the lies and deception employed by your government I've seen since the based-on-a-true-story 1985 tell-all thriller Spies Like Us.
The story veers into absurdity when it is revealed that Coulson pulled off the ruse by holding his breath for a really long time. While that may seem unbelievable, my brother Raul held his breath for ten straight years as part of a temper tantrum when I refused to abdicate the Cuban presidency so he could take over. So, while plausible, and from a credible source in Slashfilm, I think this rumor could be the proverbial red herring.
So, this scoop should be taken with a grain of salt, dear readers, and no more grains like that, because we need to ration our salt due to the austerity measures forced upon us by your imperialistic government embargoes. I tried to talk my good friends Jay Z and Beyonce into smuggling some extra salt into the country during their visit earlier this month, but they ran out of cocaine on the plane ride down here and were forced to snort it all to tide them over.
In sexy celebrity gossip news, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed to Ellen Degeneres that she got into a hairy situation when she was forced to wear a dress at the Iron Man 3 premiere with transparent panels down the sides, showing off her skinny chicken legs. Apparently, Paltrow likes to keep a seventies style bush as wild and unkempt as my glorious, manly beard, and her assistants needed to get her shaved down before she could wear the dress on the red carpet. Comrades, with her anti-American viewpoints and third world grooming habits, Paltrow would make the perfect communist woman. Well, she could stand to put on a few pounds.
Stay tuned to CubanoReview and The Outhouse for all the latest Hollywood rumors and pubic hairstyle gossip!
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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