Marvel Comics is right to want to promote Iron Man 3, which has already reportedly made almost $195 million overseas at the box office, but their latest announcement reveals that the company may be recklessly endangering an already fragile American economy for the sake of making a few more dollars in ticket sales. According to a press release, Iron Man himself will visit the New York Stock Exchange on April 30th and ring the opening bell to kick off trading while promoting the movie.
Is Marvel crazy? We know from decades of reading Iron Man and Avengers comics that Tony Stark can't go out for a cup of coffee without being attacked by some disgruntled supervillain out to get revenge on him or simply to make a name for themselves by beating the famous Iron Man. What does Marvel think is going to happen when Iron Man attends a big event like this, advertised in advance?
Will it be worth it to get more media attention for their movie when some D-List villain like Chemistro or The Living Laser crashes through the walls of the New York Stock Exchange and attacks Stark, causing millions of dollars worth of structural damage and shutting down trading for the day? The stock market took a big hit recently when the Associated Press erroneously reported on some explosions that didn't actually happen. What's going to happen when a massive superpowered battle occurs right in the building?
These one-percenters will be peeing themselves as they sell, sell, sell, possibly driving the country into a triple-dip recession! And that's a best case scenario. Imagine if Iron Man's appearance at the stock exchange coincides with the final act in a long-running, meticulously planned plot to destroy the hero once and for all by one of his more competent foes, like The Mandarin? It could be a disaster.
The Outhouse sent ace reporter ThanosCopter to reach out to third-string Iron Man villain The Melter for comment on this story:
ThanosCopter: Hi Melter, thanks for talking with us.
The Melter: That's M-E-L-T-E-R, Melter.
ThanosCopter: Yes, we got that.
Melter: Make sure you spell it right.
ThanosCopter: It's not hard to spell Melter.
Melter: I just wanna give a shoutout to my boy Spymaster. Hey buddy!
ThanosCopter: Okay, but...
Melter (waving): Hi mom!
ThanosCopter: This is a print interview, you idiot.
Melter: I know.
ThanosCopter: ... So are you planning anything for Iron Man's appearance at the New York Stock Exchange?
Melter: Oh snap! Iron Man's gonna be at the stock exchange?! Where's my melter gun?
ThanosCopter: Melter gun?
Melter: It's a gun that melts stuff.
ThanosCopter: Are we talking things that already melt, like ice cream?
Melter: No, no, it can melt anything.
Melter: Yeah, you know, I like to use it on lamp posts, mailboxes, brick walls that superheroes are standing near.
ThanosCopter: So are you planning to use your melter gun on Tony Stark at the NYSE?
Melter: Well, I'll probably melt a hole in the wall, right? Then I'll say something like, "prepare to die, Iron Man!," and then I'll melt a chandalier over his head and it'll fall on him.
ThanosCopter: Why not just melt Tony Stark? Just take him out? Be done with it?
Melter: I never thought of that.
Obviously, if The Melter has plans to attack Iron Man, smarter and more dangerous foes can't be far behind. For instance, what if Iron Man's greatest adversary decides to attack him at the event? Of course, we're talking about Steve Rogers: Captain America.
ThanosCopter: Hi Steve, thanks for joining us.
Steve Rogers: I'm kinda busy, so... wait a minute, haven't I seen you before?
ThanosCopter: Um... no?
Rogers: Sure. You used to be the vehicle for the supervillain Thanos.
ThanosCopter: That was some other copter.
Rogers: Are you sure, son? You look just like him.
ThanosCopter: Wasn't me.
Rogers (frowning): I've got my eye on you.
ThanosCopter: Do you have any plans to attack Iron Man at the New York Stock Exchange?
Rogers: Why would I do that? Tony is my friend.
ThanosCopter: Not during Civil War he wasn't...
Rogers: I don't want to talk about that. Tony has changed since then.
ThanosCopter: Really? You haven't been reading New Avengers, have you?
Rogers: Why, what happened there?
ThanosCopter: You got mindwiped bro.
Rogers: What?! Again?!
ThanosCopter: Oh yeah. Totally mindwiped. You don't even remember, do you?
Rogers: Well of course not, if I was mindwiped...
ThanosCopter: See? That's proof.
Rogers: Son of a...
ThanosCopter: He's gonna be at the New York Stock Exchange, you know, if you want to confront him.
So clearly this is a problem, and one that we are in no was exacerbating. Of course, this isn't the first time Marvel has recklessly endangered the citizens of New York City just to promote a movie. Last summer, to promote The Amazing Spider-Man, Marvel and Columbia Pictures held a series of events around New York City for an entire week, an open invitation for all of the wall crawler's psychotic foes to wreak havoc in their quest for vengeance. We doubt this will turn out any differently, but, this time, the fate of the world's economy is at stake as well! We hope it's worth it, Marvel.
Here's the press release:
Actor Robert Downey, Jr. and Marvel Entertainment Celebrate
Release of Marvel’s “Iron Man 3” with NYSE Opening Bell® on April 30
Actor Robert Downey, Jr., along with executives from Marvel Entertainment, LLC, will visit the New York Stock Exchange on April 30 and ring The Opening Bell® to highlight the U.S. release of Marvel’s highly anticipated film, “Iron Man 3,” on May 3.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
NYSE Security Checkpoint/Tent at Corner of Exchange Place and Broad Street
9:00 a.m. Media escorted into the building
9:30 a.m. The Opening Bell rings/photo opps
About “Iron Man 3”
Marvel's Iron Man 3 pits brash-but-brilliant industrialist Tony Stark/Iron Man against an enemy whose reach knows no bounds. When Stark finds his personal world destroyed at this enemy's hands, he embarks on a harrowing quest to find those responsible. This journey, at every turn, will test his mettle. With his back against the wall, Stark is left to survive by his own devices, relying on his ingenuity and instincts to protect those closest to him. As he fights his way back, Stark discovers the answer to the question that has secretly haunted him: does the man make the suit or does the suit make the man?
Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Stephanie Szostak, James Badge Dale with Jon Favreau and Ben Kingsley, Marvel’s Iron Man 3 is directed by Shane Black from a screenplay by Drew Pearce & Shane Black and is based on Marvel's iconic Super Hero Iron Man, who first appeared on the pages of "Tales of Suspense" (#39) in 1963 and had his solo comic book debut with "The Invincible Iron Man" (#1) in May of 1968.
Marvel's Iron Man 3 is presented by Marvel Studios in association with Paramount Pictures and DMG Entertainment. Marvel Studios' President Kevin Feige is producing and Jon Favreau, Louis D'Esposito, Charles Newirth, Victoria Alonso, Stephen Broussard, Alan Fine, Stan Lee and Dan Mintz are executive producers. The film releases May 3, 2013, and is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.
About Marvel Entertainment
Marvel Entertainment, LLC, a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company, is one of the world's most prominent character-based entertainment companies, built on a proven library of over 8,000 characters featured in a variety of media over seventy years. Marvel utilizes its character franchises in entertainment, licensing and publishing. (Source: Marvel.com)