Source: Insider Sources
El Presidente here, reporting from inside a snug pair of Levi's boot cut jeans. Why? Because my butt is way sexier than Rob Liefeld's ever was, comrades!
Speaking of Liefeld, he was verbally fellating his buddy, El Mayimbe on Twitter today when I was inspired to go out and get some Grade A Certified Hollywood Scoop Beef. El Mayimbe, who is, of course, the poseur who runs Latino-Review, a copycat Latino-themed Hollywood rumor website inferior to my own Cubano-Review, is promising to drop a major scoop about Black Panther in the next 30 minutes. However, just like the capable army of the glorious Republic of Cuba turned the tables on American interlopers in La Batalla de Girón, we're going to scoop that chump by releasing our news first.
We all know that Marvel is working on a Black Panther movie, and CubanoReview and The Outhouse can now exclusively reveal that they already have a short-list of actors to cast in the role. According to my sources, the list consists of Idris Elba, the Old Spice guy, Howard Mackie, Terence Howard, and Zoe Saldana. In addition, the studio is reportedly also considering Franklin Delano Bluth and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in blackface as long shots.
While the movie is still in the development stage, early reports are telling me that Marvel is considering using the Black Panther's most formidable villain as the antagonist in the movie: a slippery staircase! Fans are very familiar with the exploits of the slippery staircase, which killed the agile superhero in the abysmal Age of Ultron comic book super-mega-crossover event when the Panther tripped and fell down it, breaking his neck.
If it wasn't enough to scoop El Mayimbe, getting the better of him as I always do, I can also exclusively reveal that Mayimbe hunts human beings as game, as revealed in this tweet he accidentally released publicly:
I bagged all types of big game in the jungle, but the Wakandan Black Panther is a special beast that's going to take a tad more finesse.— elmayimbe (@elmayimbe) May 1, 2013
Comrades, with El Mayimbe's despicable practices of hunting the most dangerous game, along with the fact that his scoops are always late and inferior to my own, it's clear to those keeping score that Cubano-Review and The Outhouse are the only places you need to go to get the latest Hollywood gossip from a Latino icon. Hey El Mayimbe, tell me how my ass tastes!
El Presidente out!
UPDATE: El Mayimbe, who is soooo 2000 and late, dropped his news and named Chadwick Boseman as the top name on the short list. Comrades, we'll have to wait and see whose right, but for now, we all know who was FIRST!
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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