ALBANY – Two groups representing Mutant Rights, Mutants Are People Too (MAPT) and Mutant for a Better Tomorrow (MBT) have filed law suits in The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit claiming that existing, and future, laws restricting mutants are unconstitutional due to the inherent restrictions placed on mutants’ rights to bear arms. The announcement has split both Liberals and Conservatives who have no idea how to feel about the case as any verdict will conflict with a core belief.
Liberals, who fight for equal justice and representation for all Americans are against any kind of registry for mutants on the grounds that it would create a special class of citizens with a specific set of laws that apply to them. Conversely, Liberals are fearful that a successful repeal of such regulations would lead to a weakening of gun laws throughout the country:
“I feel bad that mutants do not have the same rights and opportunities as human citizens, but we’re talking about beings who can shoot lasers, out of their eyes, if we allow that to go unchecked how can we support laws that restrict human access to lasers?” Stated one disturbed liberal we spoke to, “What can I do, I want to rant online about the unfairness of it all and how this reflects a further degradation of American civil liberties and freedoms, but, we’re talking about people who can create time bombs out of thin air!”
Conservative pundits and politicians, many of whom have argued that mutants are not people and should not be counted as humans, and therefore are not citizens and do not deserve the same rights as “real Americans” are split over the idea of it looking like they want to place a restriction on the 2nd amendment. “The Second Amendment guarantees all Americans unfettered access to arms and in no way does this office support any restrictions on those rights,” Senator Creed said in a released statement, “but, mutants are an abomination against God, and I do not feel comfortable arming Satan’s army.”
For their part, the two mutant rights groups are also at odds over the literal meaning of the 2nd amendment:
A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed
“As you can clearly see,” began Theresa Maeve Rourke Cassidy, MAPT’s spokesperson, “The 2nd amendment states that citizens have the right to arm themselves, no matter what. At no point in the text does it state that those arms must be manufactured or detachable from the person.” Miss Cassidy continued in a tone this reporter found hard to disagree with:
Furthermore, we at MAPT are confounded as to the motives of MBT, especially considering the fact that we are all on the same side; the side of making sure mutants remain equal citizens under the Law.
A tour of the offices of MAPT revealed an uncanny group of cohorts, mutants and humans, all working together towards a shared goal, a marked change from the noise and self-centeredness of the New York Street outside.
Two blocks north, a spokesperson from MBT’s American branch agreed to an interview. Bear Guy, a recent graduate of The Jean Grey School For Gifted Youngsters, had the following comments:
GROWL! GRRRR! ROAR! GRRRAAARDDD! RARF! RRRRRRRRRR!
Luckily Dr. Henry McCoy was on hand to translate:
What my dear friend, Bear Guy (yes, I know, a bit ‘on the nose’), is trying to say is that for almost 230 years now everyone has been misinterpreting the 2nd Amendment. Let us take another look at the language: “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” You hear that; “bear arms?”
What has never made sense to me, nor my colleges here at MBT, including such notable mutants as Grizzly, Bear Guy, and Dark Beast, is why have scholars/politicians/pundits who pride them selves on being “strict constructionalists,” that is taking the Constitution literally, have always chosen a lesser known definition of both “bear” and “arms.” The Founding Fathers were visionaries; they saw the future need of explicit law that would protect those, such as myself, with bear arms
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” Stated Sarah Sed, Outhouse Ace Reporter
“That is the funniest thing I have ever read” Replied Jude Terror, Outhouse Web Master Supreme, via Skype.
“Whatever, write it up, no ones gonna read it anyways.” Noted Outhouse owner, Robert Morris, from a top his pile of Internet money “Hell, I don’t even look at the front page anymore, now that we are cut off from DC.”
And, on that uplifting and moralizing message, the following questions can be posed:
- Are mutants citizens?
- If “yes”: Do they have the same rights as non-mutants?
- If “yes”: Do mutants have the same 2nd amendment rights as non-mutants?
Think about the implications. Mutants, with the same right as everyone to arm him or herselves, could be walking, talking, emotional, loaded weapons. I close with a quote from Benjamin Franklin:
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.