Source: CNN, Who Never Gets Anything Wrong
Since C2E2, it has been the widespread belief of the comics media that DC Comics plans to launch a new Shazam ongoing series. Shazam is the new name of the hero formerly known as Captain Marvel, who most regular people (I.E. not nerds) always knew as Shazam anyway. This rumors angered militant Middle Eastern state Israel, who launched a preemptive air strike on nearby neighbor Syria yesterday.
Syria is currently embroiled in a civil war that will probably lead to World War 3, and Israel decided to bomb the beleaguered nation as a threat to DC Comics, who set the fictional home of Shazam villain Black Adam in the fictional country of Khandaq, which borders Israel and Egypt. Israel cited Khandaq's nonexistent state as the reason for bombing Syria, which is located to Israel's North, past Lebanon. Israeli President Shimon Peres blamed Shazam's confusing continuity and publication history as well as the character's inability to consistently maintain a monthly series since the 1999 as the motivation for the country's displeasure with DC's plans in a dramatic press conference that The Outhouse attended.
"Captain Marvel was originally created in 1939 by C. C. Beck and Bill Parker for Fawcett Comics," explained Peres to an attentive gathering of top reporters from the most prestigious press organizations in the world, and The Outhouse. "This Captain Marvel has nothing to do with Marvel Comics' Captain Marvel, nor Ms. Marvel, who now goes by the name Captain Marvel since the original Marvel Captain Marvel died. Fawcett Comics, which has nothing to do with Farrah Fawcett, was accused by DC Comics in the fifties of ripping off Captain Marvel from Superman, and after Fawcett became defunct, DC ended up with the rights in the seventies and has had them since. Bill Parker has nothing to do with modern comic book writer Jeff Parker, and C. C. Beck is of no relation to guitarist Jeff Beck, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck, or alternative rocker Beck. Shazam should also not be confused with Shaquille O'Neal's character in the 1996 comedy Kazaam."
"What the fuck?" Peres asked. "I don't get any of this."
"In the Nu52, DC's comical 2011 relaunch, Captain Marvel was renamed Shazam, and Billy Batson, Shazam's alter ego, was turned into a dick," he went on to complain. "All of this happened in a backup story in DC's flagship title, Justice League by Geoff Johns and a rotating lineup of prima donna artists, the spiritual successor to Frank Miller and Jim Lee's All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder, a famously horrific comic book."
"I've been buying Justice League since issue #1," Peres told reporters. "But I stopped reading the stupid Shazam backups around issue #6. Just think about that for a moment. I paid for this comic, I am holding it in my hands and reading the main story, and I can't be bothered to read a couple more pages at the end because that's how little interest I have in Shazam, even as a backup."
"How the fuck is Shazam going to maintain his own ongoing. Fucking bullshit," a frustrated Peres concluded. He left the room without answering questions because he had to make it to an evening showing of Iron Man 3. Many political analysts believe that Peres may have been in a bad mood already after reading this week's issue of the terrible Age of Ultron from Marvel Comics, and, upon learning of the Shazam rumors, just "went off the deep end."
U.S. President Barack Obama has not made an official statement on the events, though U.S. government officials have confirmed the strike. The country of Lebanon is being a little bitch and complaining about Israel's planes violating its airspace. The Outhouse will keep you updated on this situation as it develops, provided we survive the impending nuclear doom.
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