Tom J. Dennison of Newport News, Virginia was mowing his lawn on Sunday, August 27, 1999 when discarded refuse from an airplane flying overhead fell from the sky and landed on his head, putting him in a coma that he would not awake from until May, 2013, almost fourteen years later. As a result, Dennison never got to see how the sixth generation of console wars ended, which caused him to be extremely confused when he heard that Sega just announced the next three Sonic the Hedgehog games as Nintendo exclusives. the first title, Sonic Lost World, will debut on the Wii U and 3DS later this year.
"You mean the Dreamcast didn't win the console wars?" asked a shocked Dennison, scratching his head. "Man, it was such a great system!" The Sega Dreamcast, which launched in Japan in 1998, was a commercial failure for Sega and their last console.
"I just don't know what to think anymore," said a depressed Dennison, after having some time to reflect on the news. "My whole world is turned upside down. The Power Glove is back in the form of the Wii controller, and Sonic the Hedgehog is a Nintendo game. This is just too much to handle."
"Finding out that Sega no longer produces consoles is like finding out The Blair Witch Project wasn't real," said Dennison, who admitted the Blair Witch sting was still fresh in his mind. "I mean, what else happened while I was gone? We can all assume the Star Wars prequels turned out fantastic, Ricky Martin is a heterosexual stud, and the Dot Com bubble led us into an era of economic prosperity that's still going on today. But other things, I'm not so sure about."
Despite Dennison's disbelief, Sonic's Nintendo exclusive is definitely happening, and it's not even the first time the blue hedgehog has worked with the House of Mario. Sonic first appeared on a Nintendo handheld console with 2001's Sonic Advance, and recently appeared right alongside the mustachioed plumber himself in 2007's Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games for the Wii. In truth, there's probably no better place for Sonic than on Nintendo's more kid-friendly, less high-tech consoles.
"I guess those games are probably pretty played out now anyway," Dennison admitted. "That's a phrase, right? Played out?"
"I'll still play it though," concluded Dennison. "I'll just have to scrape together 30 bucks to buy the game new when it hits stores."
Sonic Lost World will hit the Nintendo Wii U and 3DS later this year, retailing for the standard price of $59.95.
"Are you kidding me?!"