El Presidente here, reporting from inside the Mos Eisley Cantina. Why? I come for the music, baby! Plus, two dollar PBR on tap!
My friends, I've got a scoop for you today. Latino-Review, the internet's second most well known Latino themed Hollywood gossip website, is reporting that Jonathan Rhys Meyers, the Irish born actor who played Henry VIII in Showtime's The Tudors, a show which we've never seen, but which we will assume, because it aired on Showtime and/or HBO, was a raunchy take on Henry VIII's reign in England with lots of gratuitous sex scenes, is in talks to star in Star Wars Episode 7. I asked a hipster for comment, but he simply told me, "Henry VII was way cooler, man."
Comrades, I have about as much of an idea which role Jonathan Rhys Meyers will play in the film as I do whether to refer to him as Meyers or Rhys Meyers, but what I can tell you is that, based on the giant photograph of Meyers/Rhys Meyers on Latino-Review's article, Jonathan has the smallest nipples I've ever seen on a grown man.
I mean, come on! That is one tiny nipple! The entire areola is smaller than his pinky nail. There is no way a man with nipples that small has a healthy midichlorian count, that's for sure. Star Wars fans may have been able to gracefully accept Jar Jar Binks and Greedo shooting first, but there is no way we will accept a man with anything smaller than dime-sized nipples playing a character in our beloved franchise.
You know who would be perfect for a part in Star Wars Episode 7? Anne Hathaway. Hathaway's nipples are humongous. Who even needs a light saber or a blaster with nipples like that? Look, I'm not saying that Anne Hathaway has nipples like a dairy cow, but I've heard that if you tug on the left one, vanilla ice cream comes out of her belly button. Tug on the right one, chocolate comes out. Tug on both at the same time, and you get a delicious swirl! These are just rumors comrade! Take them with a grain of salt, or, failing that, some chocolate syrup and a spoonful of wet walnuts.
But hey, maybe J.J. Abrams knows something I don't. Or maybe this is some kind of appeasement for former Star Wars franchise owner George Lucas. Since selling Lucasfilm, Lucas is probably feeling pretty bored. Imagine how much fun he could have using modern CGI technology to replace Jonathan Rhys Meyers' hilariously small nipples with actual man-sized nipples in post-production.
Then again, perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. This is a rumor, after all, and hardly set in stone. There's still time for Abrams and Disney to come to their senses and seek out an actor or actress with less freakishly-sized nipples for whatever role they're trying to fill. I don't like to brag, comrades, but mine are halfway between quarters and silver dollars, and they've got more hair than my brother Raúl's mustache. Call me, J.J.. We'll do lunch.