As pictures hit the net this morning of popular robot Bumblebee as a black, 1967 Camaro SS in the upcoming Michael Bay crapfest, Transformers 4, fans of classic cars were overjoyed to see the first generation Camaro used in the film while at the same time dismayed that the car was painted black – but they are not racists (nope, not at all). The character has traditionally been portrayed as a yellow Volkswagon Beetle in cartoons and comics, and has been a newer model Camaro in each of the previous three Transformers Films.
"The 1967 Camaro SS is boss, bro," said Skip "Skip" Dingman, a car lover from Pittsburg, PA who voted for David Duke in the 1992 Republican presidential primaries. "6.5L V8, all muscle, in a sleek, sexy frame."
He spat on the ground.
"But why would they paint him black?" he continued. "First Heimdall, then Electro, and now Bumblebee? Where will it end?"
Dingman, of course, is referring to the casting of actors Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx, repsectively, to play Heimdall and Electro in the Thor and Spider-Man movie franchises. However, Bumblebee is a robot who transforms into a car, which really isn't related to race at all. Is it?
"You can't take a car that everyone has always known as yellow and just suddenly paint him black," said Charles "Chip" Tucker, a casual racist from Orlando, FL who collects and restores classic automobiles. "Why not create a new robot if you want to have a colored one? I mean, I would have no problem with that."
"It's disrespectful to the legacy of the character," Tucker concluded, neglecting to realize that Michael Bay's abortion of a movie franchise is far more damaging to the legacy of Transformers than any amount of harmless paintbending could ever be.
The concern and outrage over the change is even spreading outside the car lover demographic and affecting bigots in all walks of life. When reached for comment, Betsy "Soccer Mom" Smith, who has never heard of the Transformers and doesn't even know we're talking about cars and robots, had this to say: "If bumbleebees are now black how will I keep my children safe? Wait, no, I didn't mean it like that - I mean it will make them harder to see at night. No, dammit, there's no way to voice my concerns without sounding racist when all I am doing is talking about bees."
"Why is Betsy the soccer mom a woman," asked a concerned, gender-politics obsessed blogger, "when both of the car lovers are men?"
We admitted that Betsy could easily be a car lover from Pittsburg, PA, and Skip Dingman could be the suburban soccer mom. There's absolutely no reason that fictional women in parody articles can't be knowledgeable about cars. That was irresponsible of us and we'll change it right away.
'I've always been a male car lover," said Skip in protest, revealing himself to also be casually sexist. "Why change 47 years of continuity just to be politically correct? I won't stand for it."
He admitted, however, that he did enjoy the way his chest hair was displayed in his new, low-cut blouse.
"Boss," said Betsy, who then spat on the ground approvingly.
Stay tuned to The Outhouse as we continue to keep you updated on Transformers 4 and struggle to understand car facts looked up on Wikipedia.