El Presidente here, reporting from a submarine currently traveling twenty thousand leagues under the sea!
ComicBookMovie.com is reporting that a "very reliable source" is telling them that the character my friend Benicio Monserrate Rafael del Toro Sánchez will play in Guardians of the Galaxy is not Thanos, as many have speculated, but instead the relatively obscure Marvel cosmic villain, The Collector. The casting would make sense, as Del Toro isn't fit to play a top level character like the Mad Titan. After all, his role as my flunky Che Guevara in the 2008 biopic Che clearly illustrated that Del Toro does his best work when playing a character who is second fiddle to the man in charge.
For those who don't know, in comics, The Collector is one of the Elders of the Universe, a group of powerful, immortal beings who are some of the oldest known living beings in existence, not unlike Outhouse message board poster GOSD. Driven by a fear that all life in the universe may be eradicated in a catastrophic event, The Collector gathers artifacts and life forms from all over the cosmos, usually against their will, and stores them on his spaceship. Ironically, this is the same motivation that drives fanboys to collect comic books, in fear that a catastrophic overabbundance of gimmicks such as quadruple shipped 3D hologram covers will destroy the entire comic book industry.
Of course, we all know that something like that will never... ay, carumba.
Anyway, if Del Toro is playing The Collector, then who will play Thanos? The answer is simple, comrades. I will. Just think of the money Disney could save on special affects by simply painting my beard purple as a stand-in for Thanos' very manly chin! It's a little known fact that Thanos and I are cousins. Identical cousins, all the way! We laugh alike. We walk alike. At times, we even talk alike.
Like all rumors, this news should be taken with a grain of salt. It was rumors from a "very reliable source" that led that lying gigolo JFK to believe that the Soviet Union had deployed thirty two nuclear missiles on Cuban soil in 1962, when the truth is that we were just planning a birthday celebration for my brother Ramón. The Cuban Missile crisis ruined Ramón's birthday, comrades! Ruined it!
Guardians of the Galaxy hits theaters August 1, 2014.
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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