Man of Steel finally hit theaters on Father's Day weekend, bringing in over $125 million domestically and setting a record for June openings, previously held by Toy Story 3. The film marks a successful relaunch for the Superman franchise, and a sequel has already been announced by Warner Bros. The Outhouse spoke to fictional versions of top DC Comics executives to get their reaction to the good news.
"Look, it's a tough business," said a deflated Dan Didio, Co-Publisher of DC Comics. "You try to make the best movie you can, and you just hope people like it. Sometimes, things don't go as... wait a minute. It made how much?"
We told him that the movie was an undeniable success, with a worldwide gross so far of $196 million.
"Woohoo!" shouted a shocked and excited Didio. "It didn't bomb! Oh happy day!"
He sprang up from his desk and smooched us right on the lips, and then took off skipping down the hallways of DC's offices, handing out Christmas turkeys to all the editorial staff and interns he encountered. We headed down the hallway ourselves to an office marked Editor in Chief and knocked on the door.
"Go away!" came a voice from inside. "There's no one here!"
We knocked again, and told Bob Harras that Man of Steel took the number one spot at the box office. The door sprang open and an exuberant Harras came bounding out.
"No way!" Harras said skeptically.
"Way," we insisted.
"So it's true," Harras told us. "If you believe something hard enough, and you wish and you wish and you wish, all of your dreams will come true!"
Well, there's probably more to it than that. We told Harras that hard work and quality storytelling, more than anything else, is likely to lead to... we noticed he had closed his eyes and seemed to be concentrating. He opened them a moment later, looked around, and became very sad. We asked him what was wrong.
"I was just wishing really hard for a grilled cheese sandwich," said a very disappointed Harras. "But I don't see it. You lied to me."
What? We didn't... Harras went back into his office and slammed the door. We moved on to the office of Chief Creative Officer Geoff Johns. Johns was leaning back at his desk and playing with superhero action figures.
"Mwah mwah mwah," Johns said in a falsetto as he pressed a Superman doll against a Wonder Woman one. "Kissy kissy kissy..."
We decided to leave him alone and visit Co-Publisher Jim Lee instead. We asked him if he was happy that Man of Steel was a rousing success.
"What?!" asked a stunned Lee. "No! No, that can't be!"
We were confused. Shouldn't Lee be excited about the corporate victory.
"You don't understand," Lee explained. "I'm writing a Superman book right now, Superman Unchained."
And this should be good for the book. More people seeing the Superman movie means more people will buy Superman comics.
"That's just it!" said Lee. "I've already drawn one, maybe two issues of this thing. I've about reached my limit. I was hoping to quietly slip away after the third issue and get back to whatever it is I do when I'm not drawing comic books, which is a curiously large ammount of the time considering I'm technically a comic book artist."
Well, maybe it would be nice to keep drawing one for a while, for a change.
"But it's so much work," Lee complained. "Do you know how long it takes to draw a four way foldout poster of Superman punching a spaceship?"
Maybe he could just draw, you know, regular pages.
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Lee, tears streaming from his eyes. "Hahahahaha!"
Well, alright then. We took our leave, but we left DC's offices for the first time in months feeling slightly proud of our friends at the beleaguered comic book publisher. They may be childish, defensive, bumbling, and often unintentionally bigoted idiots, but they're our childish, defensive, bumbling, unintentionally bigoted idiots, and, today at least, they can say that DC's flagship superhero is starring in the number one movie in the world.
Congrats, DC. Now don't fuck it up.