Hello my friends! It is El Presidente, reporting from underneath a mysterious dome!
Comrades, I don't usually like to promote Latino-Review.com, a second rate Latino themed Hollywood rumor site when my far superior site, CubanoReview.com, proudly claims over three dozen industry credited trade scoops. After all, the movie gossip game is all about keeping score, baby. Unfortunately, since your capitalist trade embargoes have blocked access to CubanoReview.com within the United States, that poser El Mayimbe is taking all the credit for these Doctor Strange plot details that I knew about weeks ago!
If it were me, comrades, I would blast this massive scoop out in one giant scoopstravaganza, but El Mayimbe isn't known for the studly beard and huge cojones that your glorious leader, El Presidente has, so he is insisting on trickling out his scoops in a weekly, three part video. The first in this ridiculous series is embedded below, and it describes plot details for the upcoming Doctor Strange movie.
According to Latino-Review.com's "trusted sources," the movie will be an origin story that opens with Stephen Strange and his sister, Donna Strange, as children. The kids are swimming in a pond when they notice the pond has magical light at the bottom. Believing they might learn the true meaning of the ending to the TV show LOST, the kids swim down to the bottom of the pond, but Donna is sucked in and disappears. The police think that Stephen killed her.
The movie then flashes forward to Stephen Strange as a doctor in a hospital, and at this point El Mayimbe goes into a gushing description of Strange's piercing eyes and well groomed goatee. Strange is the head of the hospital, and he's a total dick. Also, he bangs a nurse. While operating on a boy with a brain tumor, Strange has hallucinations about the magical world at the bottom of the pond, and this leads to him getting in his car, driving, and crashing it into an electrical poll which zaps him with a shitload of electricity.
Doctor Strange wakes up in a hospital and he his arms are seriously screwed up from the electricity. El Mayimbe then describes, in monotone, an entire montage of Strange's recovery. But though Strange gets better, he also incurs debt and gets evicted from his house. El Mayimbe then ends his video and instructs viewers to tune in for part two while shilling for his IndieGoGo crowdfunding campaign.
Watch for yourself:
Comrades, there are a few important points I think we can take away from this.
1. Maybe I'm just confused because whenever I read Doctor Strange comics, I drop a ton of acid and trip my fucking face off, but besides being pretty different from the comic book origin, this origin sounds completely ridiculous. Magic pond? Come on!
2. The movie will obviously be a scathing indictment of your entire capitalist system, as we can see by the theme of debt destroying Doctor Strange's life. It's about time that the proletariat got a comic book movie hero who embodies the Marxist principles that superheroes are really all about!
3. Did somebody leave a douche open? Because it's getting chilly in here! I can accept that the paranoid and egomaniacal El Mayimbe is breaking the scoop up into three videos in order to amass more unique hits, but does he have to end the plot on a cliffhanger and then beg for money? And what is with some of those pictures of the magic lake and stuff that he used in the video when he didn't have comic panels? Am I right, comrades?
Well, since El Mayimbe doesn't have the stamina to go the distance, we'll have to wait for him to post more videos to get the rest of this scoopilicious rumor. Stay tuned to CubanoReview.com and The Outhouse and your friend El Presidente will keep you up to date!