Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
It's a great day for the superhero community and oppressed peasants in the fictional Eastern European nation of Latveria. The Supreme Court handed down their ruling today on Doctor Doom, the metal-masked despot who rules over Latveria and inflicts his villainous whims on the rest of the world using a combination of dark magic and mad science. From Justice Anthony Kennedy's opinion:
The liberty protected by the Fifth Amendment’s Due Process Clause contains within it the prohibition against denying to any person the equal protection of the laws. [...] While the Fifth Amendment itself withdraws from Government the power to degrade or demean in the way this law does, the equal protection guarantee of the Fourteenth Amendment makes that Fifth Amendment right all the more specific and all the better understood and preserved.
We have no idea what any of that means, but we're glad someone is finally taking a stand against the tyranny of Doctor Doom. Since the 1960s, the villain has been allowed to get away with countless atrocities, such as attacking New York City, kidnapping various superheroes like the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, and the Avengers, and forcing all the subjugated citizens of his country to watch Lena Dunham's gratuitous nude ping pong scene in the HBO drama Girls.
Not everyone on the Supreme Court is on the same page, however. The ruling was split 5-4 along liberal and conservative lines. Conservative Justice and fellow supervillain Antonin Scalia delivered the following scathing dissent in support of DOOM:
Few public controversies touch an institution so central to the lives of so many, and few inspire such attendant passion by good people on all sides. Few public controversies will ever demonstrate so vividly the beauty of what our framers gave us, a gift the court pawns today to buy its stolen moment in the spotlight: a system of government that permits us to rule ourselves.
Bear in mind that the object of this terrible condemnation is not some benighted state legislature and governor, but our respected co-ordinate branches, the Congress and presidency of the United States. Laying such a charge against them should require the most extraordinary evidence, and I would have thought that every attempt would be made to indulge a more anodyne explanation for the statute. The majority’s opinion does the opposite, affirmatively concealing from the reader, never mentioning, the arguments that exist in justification.
Following his statements delivered from the Supreme Court bench, Scalia transformed into a pterodactyl, blasted a hole in the roof of the court using miniature missile launchers mounted on his wrists, and flew off into the sky, vowing to return for revenge at an unspecified date.
The Outhouse would like to congratulate the Supreme Court on making such a... what? Oh, really? Are you sure? Ah. Yes, that makes a lot more sense.
Readers, I apologize for this misunderstanding. Due to a typo, I believed that the Supreme Court had ruled against Marvel supervillain DOOM, but, as it turns out, the ruling was actually against DOMA, the Defense of Marriage Act, an example of institutionalized bigotry designed to prevent same sex couples from receiving the same benefits as heterosexual couples by allowing states to refuse to recognize same sex marriages performed in other states, where people recognize that they live in the 21st century. The ruling also upheld a previous ruling on California's Proposition 8, striking down the gay marriage ban, though only in California. As of press time, despite the controversial ruling, exactly zero people have gotten married to their dog.
Well, now that we've got our facts straight, we have to admit, this is even better than taking down a fictional supervillain, even one as evil as DOOM. Nice job, America. Maybe there's hope for us yet.
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