80 year old Stanley Moore of Los Angeles is one of the world's youngest fans of pulp heroes, so, as you can imagine, he was extremely excited for Disney's Lone Ranger movie, which hit theaters this past weekend. Unfortunately, despite the presence of Johnny Depp and other Pirates franchise names, such as producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski, most moviegoers were not fooled into believing this was a movie they should be interested in. The film made an estimated $49 million dollars over its five day opening, far short of the first place Despicable Me 2, and worse than last year's massive pulp hero bomb, John Carter.
So, it was with a heavy heart that we set out to let old Stanley know that the movie didn't do well in theaters.
"Cheaters?! I knew it! No good dirty poker cheats! I'll get my gun!" exclaimed Stanley, who was dressed up in a colorful cowboy outfit, not in anticipation of the film, but because he suffers from an extreme case of dementia.
We explained to Stanley that were weren't talking about cheaters, but movie theaters, and that The Lone Ranger failed to make any money at the box office. It was a massive flop.
"A smelly wop?!" shouted Stanley, misunderstanding our statements as a slur against Italian Americans. "The doorman let him in here?"
We ignored Stanley's racist outburst. He is, after all, from another time. Instead, we patiently explained that The Lone Ranger did poorly in movie theaters this weekend, and that this had to hurt the chances for major movie companies making any more films about pulp heroes, particularly westerns.
"What?" asked a saddened Stanley, seeming to finally comprehend us for once. His eyes welled up with tears, and we suddenly felt very sorry for him.
Stanley loves pulp heroes. He's loved them since he was a boy, and all he wants in his twilight years is to enjoy seeing his childhood idols reborn in comics and big budget movies. It brings joy to his aging heart, allowing him to capture that feeling of wonder and excitement that he knew as a boy. It's one of the few pleasures in life that remains for Stanley, and we hate to see it put in danger by the frivolous budget choices and fickle nature of big Hollywood studios. It just isn't right, is all.
"No more pulp movies?" asked a defeated Stanley.
We told him that it doesn't look likely. The problem is that studios keep throwing a budget at these movies that's much bigger than needed. We realized our mistake as soon as the words left our mouth.
"It was their fault?!" asked a reinvigorated Stanley. "Paula Deen was right!"
We had to cut him off there. Stanley is a nice old guy, and he means well, but he grew up in a time when values were different. He doesn't know any better.
"I've got my shotgun!" shouted Stanley, enraged. "Let's go!"
Look, we've gotta calm him down before he says something else he'll regret. We'll keep you updated on The Lone Ranger's box office performance.
"Hi ho, silver!" shouted Stanley, kicking imaginary spurs into an imaginary horse.