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Orson Scott Card to Marry Man at Ender's Game Premiere?

Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, July 10 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Orson Scott Card to Marry Man at Ender's Game Premiere?

The increasingly desperate author is considering changing his sexuality to head off a boycott of the Ender's Game movie.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

Yesterday, The Beat reported on a statement released by popular author and homophobic nutjob Orson Scott Card, in which the outspoken opponent of equal rights pleaded with non-bigots to be tolerant of his hateful ways and not boycott the release of Ender's Game, the big budget tentpole film based on his series of novels of the same name. The response to Card's pleas for mercy was decidedly lukewarm, so Card is taking things to the next level by announcing plans to get married to a man at the November 1st opening of the film and then consumate that marriage, live, in front of the theater audience, in a heroic display of explicit gay sex.

"I've realized the error of my ways," explained Card, sporting a neatly trimmed Freddie Mercury mustache and wearing a pair of assless leather chaps and leather biker hat. "It was wrong of me, as a board member of the National Organization for Marriage, to oppose equal rights for gay people, even going so far as to argue that gay people should be imprisoned for committing illegal homosexual acts. But should that really affect my ability to make millions of dollars from film rights and merchandising royalties? That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

Card was recently publicly embarrassed when outrage over his bigoted antics led to artist Chris Sprouse walking off as artist of a Card Superman story set to appear in a DC Comics anthology, leading to the story being shelved. With the recent Supreme Court victory for gay marriage rights, the momentum has clearly turned against Card and his ilk, and it's likely that the release of Ender's Game could be met with an even larger boycott and a box office bomb.

Initially, Card tried appealing to tolerance, releasing the following statement to Entertainment Weekly:

Ender’s Game is set more than a century in the future and has nothing to do with political issues that did not exist when the book was written in 1984.

With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. The Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution will, sooner or later, give legal force in every state to any marriage contract recognized by any other state.

Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute.


However, when it became clear that all was not forgiven, Card was forced to turn to more drastic measures, placing a personal ad on Craigslist seeking a gay husband. After selecting a suitable candidate, a 34 year old bear (subtype: otter) named Claude Shank from Las Vegas, Card began making arrangements with his husband-to-be for the ceremony, which will take place at the movie premiere in Los Angeles.

"It's actually turning out to be quite lovely," explained Card. "Claude seems to have a remarkable talent for wedding planning."


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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