Tuesday, June 19, 2018 • Afternoon Edition • "Bring your own straight jacket."

Pacific Rim: At Least It's Not the Lone Ranger

Written by Jude Terror on Monday, July 15 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Pacific Rim: At Least It's Not the Lone Ranger

Legendary Pictures executives try to look on the bright side following an underperforming opening for Pacific Rim.

Source: USA Today

Pacific Rim opened to $38 million domestically this weekend, falling slightly short of  its projected $40 million and coming in third place behind the horrid Adam Sandler deer piss vehicle Grown Ups 2 and Despicable Me 2, which maintained its #1 spot. While third place and $38 million for a film with a budget of $190 million might not be great news for Legendary Pictures, the company is said to be pleased that the film "didn't do as bad as The Lone Ranger," and have latched onto that as a consolation.

"Hey Disney, tell me how my ass tastes," said Legendary Pictures CEO Thomas Tull, who was arrested last week for vandalism.

Tull and other executives at legendary have apparently spent the weekend drinking champagne at a local nightclub and talking trash about The Lone Ranger, which took in only $29 million on its opening weekend, calling it embarrassing for Pirates of the Caribbean trio Jerry Bruckheimer, Gore Verbinski, and Johnny Depp.

"That's chump change," said Tull, thumbing through a fat stack of hundred dollar bills stuffed into a diamond-encrusted money clip. "Disney be trippin' if they thought they could fuck wit tha Legendary crew."

Asked if he could comment on being beat out by Grown Ups and Despicable Me, Tull quickly changed the subject.

"Yo, did you see Johnny Depp tryin' to take attention away from how bad Lone Ranger bombed by talkin' about buyin' Wounded Knee and give it back to the Native Americans and shit?" Tull asked, referring to a story that was making the rounds last week. "Depp should buy Wounded Knee, give it to the Native Americans, and then take it back!"

Just then, Adam Sandler and his cast mates from Grown Ups 2 entered the nightclub, causing a stir at Tull's table. "Aw, shit," Tull was heard to say as Sandler and his friends sat at a nearby table and began pointing over at Legendary's execs and laughing.

"They should have had a fat guy fall down in the movie," Kevin James was heard saying to Sandler, mocking the Pacific Rim producers. "That's good for fifty mil' right there."

The Legendary execs looked intimidated as they got up and left the nightclub. "And don't come back," shouted Selma Hayek  as they slunk out the door.

We left shortly thereafter, but our sources tell us that, later in the night, Hayek and co-star Chris Rock were given wedgies by Despicable Me stars Russell Brand and Miranda Cosgrove.

Despite the mediocre box office performance, Pacific Rim has scored big with critics on Rotten Tomatoes, at 72% positive, and even better with moviegoers, at 88%. Still, the movie will have to do well overseas to become profitable, and it certainly can't be "this generation's Independence Day," as it obviously wants to be, without being a box office success. Independence Day's $816 total worldwide gross in 1996 makes it the 38th highest grossing movie of all time.

Ron Jeremy contacted The Outhouse after seeing the film and offered a possible explanation for the film's poor performance. "I've been in my share of pornographic films, and I can tell you at no time did anyone perform a 'pacific rim' in that film. If they'd called it Indian Ocean Rim, they might have avoided some confusion."

As always, stay tuned to The Outhouse for all the latest box office news no later than a day or two after a million other sites have reported it, and padded with a bunch of ridiculous nonsense, just like you like it.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

More articles from Jude Terror
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!