Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
With only a handful of days until San Diego Comic Con, CBR has stepped up their game to secure their role as the leading newsite for Comic Con. The comics website has unleashed their 48 foot yacht, The Bonny Four and a Half Star Review, upon the city's harbor, sinking any ship that tries to enter or exit the bay. "Avast," said CBR owner Jonah Weiland while wearing a black tricorn and an eyepatch. "This bay be ours until the landlubber publishers hand over all their booty...I mean exclusives to us."
So far publishers have resisted cowtowing to CBR's demands, explaining that they've already divyed up exclusives to the likes of Hollywood Reporter, The New York Post and USA Today instead of CBR. "We could miss out on dozens of traditional newspaper readers if we turn over our exclusives to CBR," said one Marvel executive. "We'd rather see San Diego burn than have that happen."
Although the Navy has tried to break the blockade, their efforts have largely been unsuccessful. "It's the sequester," said Navy Captain Alex Briley. "Every time we get close to catching their yacht, we have to turn around due to budget cuts."
With the navy unable to help, city officials are seeking other options before SDCC starts this weekend. "We're expecting a critcal shipment of the finest rum from Barbados," said mayor Jerry Sanders. "If it doesn't make port, the city won't have enough booze to last the weekend. I don't think San Diego would be able to handle Comic Con sober, so we need to find a solution fast."
Luckily, Legendary Studios may have found a solution. "We are promoting Godzilla this weekend," said Legendary CEO Thomas Tull. "If the city agrees to buy $1,000,000 worth of Pacific Rim tickets, we'll gladly have Godzilla eat the yacht. We've already got him sleeping in the bay, waiting to do something."
"Arrghh, just try it, ya lily-livered sea dogs!" Weiland reportedly said in response to Legendary's threats. "Pox-faced, bilge-swilling son of a sea bass! He'll be walkin' the plank! I'll send him to the briny deep!"
Below, we have obtained exclusive footage of an altercation between CBR's yacht and a ship from a rival publisher:
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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