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Comic Con Officially Opens With Rousing Commencement Speech

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, July 18 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Comic Con Officially Opens With Rousing Commencement Speech

What, you thought that just because we've been publishing articles tagged SDCC for the past three days, the convention had started already?

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

Lucky attendees to the commencement ceremony of San Diego Comic Con's Preview Night last night were thrilled to witness a speech by Comic Con International founder and CEO Frederick T. International announcing the convention's plans to slowly expand its dedicated news coverage to "two, maybe three weeks before the convention starts" by next year's event, and even further beyond that. International cited comic book news sites willingness to tag all of their articles with variations of "Comic Con" before the headline as early as last Saturday, over 40% earlier than Comic Con 2012, regardless of whether the stories being reported really had anything to do with the convention at all.

"Articles with Comic Con tags net, on average, 15% more hits than articles without Comic Con tags," explained Gus Sterlingham, lead Joseph Gordon Levitt reporter at popular comic book media outlet "If you can get a reference to Walking Dead in there, that's another 12% you can count on, 17% if it's about Daryl. Guardians of the Galaxy rumors add up to 8%, and if those rumors involve a professional wrestler, you're talking 25% easy. Eeeaaasssy."

"What were we talking about again?" Sterlingham paused to gather his thoughts. "Oh yeah, so if Comic Con International wants us to brand our articles Comic Con earlier, I say, 'why not?' What could possibly go wrong?"

"Everything!" said Professor of Geek Economics at the Joe Kubert School, Dr. Thaddeus Puffinbottoms ,when we asked him his opinion. "What you're talking about doing is creating a unique hit bubble. It's unsustainable. It will lead to disaster."

Frederick International's speech last night offered no evidence that he was concerned with such warnings. The convention despot held the crowd in the palm of his hand as he declared intentions to eventually have Comic Con coverage run nonstop all year long, dwarfing all other news, dominating the blogoshpere, and conditioning readers to reflexively mistrust any news that isn't associated with San Diego.

"I believe that this convention should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to earth!!!" he finished to wild cheers and applause as several fifty foot tall banners with the CCI logo inside a clenched fist dropped from the ceiling behind him.

So, we're off to a great start this year! Stay tuned to The Outhouse for dozens of articles with headlines like 'SDCCI2013: Rumor - Daryl from the Walking Dead Will Only Play Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy if John Cena Will Play Drax!' over the next four days, and if you're not already, follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Tumblr so you can best direct your unique hits our way.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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