Greetings! El Presidente here, reporting from the floor of the San Diego Convention Center! When does this con get started, anyway?
My friends, I'm here to talk to you today about some very special rumors coming from those ankle-biters over at Latino-Review which claim that hunky dreamboats Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling are up for roles in Star Wars: Episode 7. Efron's role, according to El Mayimbe, is unsure, though he might be one of Han Solo's children. It doesn't specify a son or daughter, but Efron could probably pull off either one. Gosling will supposedly play the son of Luke Skywalker.
Comrades, while this is only a rumor and El Mayimbe is known for being a paranoid egomaniac, I still have to say that this is a bad idea. These stars are simply too sexy for the role. It's like when I appointed Che Guevara ambassador to Indonesia. He was qualified for the job, but with those flowing locks and roguish good looks, he was too busy fending off underage prostitutes to establish a meaningful trade relationship between our governments! This will be just like that, except with more light sabers, and less silly berets!
The article goes on to say that JJ Abrams is definitely not leaving the franchise before it starts, though he may only do one movie, and that aging heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio passed on a role in Star Wars so that he could go make a Robotech movie. Come on! Who would want to make a Robotech movie?! Haw haw haw haw haw!
In any case, it's probably not going to happen. I mean, when's the last time El Mayimbe has been right about a rumor? He's just jerking your chains, comrades. Follow the REAL Latino-themed Hollywood gossip site, CubanoReview, and The Outhouse if you want to read news that's made up on purpose.
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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