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The Top 50 Reasons Why The Wolverine Sucks (SPOILERS)

Written by Doc Jon on Friday, July 26 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

The Top 50 Reasons Why The Wolverine Sucks (SPOILERS)

Because you demanded it, Doc Jon is back to tell us the top 50 reasons why The Wolverine movie sucks! (SPOILERS)

Oh yes, my friends, I have seen The Wolverine. I knew they were going to use the Miller/Claremont/Japan stuff, and despite the steaming pile that was Wolverine: Origins, I had some hope that this might redeem the franchise.

Sadly, those hopes were misplaced. It seems that Singer has been the only one that has managed to use Wolverine effectively. Using the character as a red herring in X-Men was a great move, and providing a foil in Deathstrike in X-Men: United was pretty cool as well. That's pretty much where anything interesting with the character ends. This is now the third movie since X-Men 2 that has utilized Wolverine in a starring role to craptacular results.

What follows is my list of why this movie sucks. I can probably think of more, but my nose has started to bleed, and I am afraid devoting this much thought to this movie has caused a rapidly growing brain tumor...

50. Because no one demanded a sequel to X-men: the Last Stand.

49. Because no one demanded a sequel to Wolverine: Origins.

48. Because Logan had already gotten over his romantic feelings for Jean Grey, as evidenced in X-men United.

47. Because the Logan/Mariko/Yukio triangle all feels like a dirty old man hitting on Japanese underage schoolgirls.

46. Because in the age of kevlar and military tech fabrics, ninjas are still in pajamas with homemade leather armor.

45. Because Wolverine's healing factor is apparently coded to a certain hair and facial hair length.

44. Because they were already ripping off Frank Miller and Chris Claremont and still managed to fuck it up.

43. Because the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia who one would think would have some concern regarding their identities being public knowledge, all have to rip off their shirts to positively identify themselves as members of said organization in any physical confrontation.

42. Because of the one Yakuza who's apparent method for breaking down a door is to run into it chest-first.

41. Because Wolverine wanted to give up killing, but decided the death of a bear was enough justification to kill 3 men.

40. Because I'm not going to buy a fucking Audi no matter how many times you shove it in front of my face.

39. Because a katana can be wielded with one hand.

38. Because Wolverine's reason for living is always apparently some girl.

37. Because Logan is a coward who despite having no reason to live, refuses to give up his immortality to save a man who's done more in several decades than Wolvie has done in over a century.

36. Because Wolverine makes fun of ninjas asking them, "Is this all you brought?" before getting his ass kicked by them.

35. Because falling 20 stories into a pool should still kill you.

34. Because of what Halle Berry must have been paid just to have her photo included in the movie.

33. Because this movie reminded me of the stupid adamantium amnesia bullet for no particular reason.

32. Because one of the coolest things about Wolverine in the comics is that he basically lived his life as a samurai, whereas he doesn't know dick about Japanese culture in the movie.

31. Because in stereotypical fashion, every Asian person knows some form of martial arts.

30. Because despite almost cutting Wolverine in half (and Logan recovering from the wound in 3.6 seconds), Shingen still thought running at him with a sword was going to work.

29. Because when you say to yourself, "the fight scenes were better in Origins", it's a stain on your soul that will never quite scrub away.

28. Because I saw a trailer for Thor: Dark World before this movie and I kept thinking of what a good comic book movie would be like.

27. Because the little techno-organic bugs Logan saw were keeping Shingen alive, yet when he sees one on his heart he somehow knows it's suppressing his healing factor for no apparent reason.

26. If you needed Wolverine alive so that you could take his healing factor and he was your only shot at surviving, why would you suppress that factor and risk him being killed?

25. Because everyone (except the 80 year old woman sitting next to me) knew that Yashida was still alive.

24. Because the bone claws look thin and silly in the movie.

23. Because Patrick Stewart did something to his eyes or it was some weird make-up to make him look younger or some shit.

22. Because Viper sheds her skin for no purpose other than to add a special effect.

21. Because in a movie where Wolverine can tell someone to 'fuck off' I don't think asking to see a drop of blood when you're stabbing people with 12 inch knives is a lot to ask for.

20. Because when your healing factor is being suppressed, performing an open thoracotomy on one's self is really the best move.

19. Because going to one's family home, where everyone knows you, is about the best way to be found by the Yakuza.

18. Because the best fight scene was the one on the bullet train and Mission Impossible did it over 10 years ago, and they had a helicopter.

17. Because they wouldn't even let Wolvie smoke a cigar in this turd.

16. Because adamantium is one of the rarest metals on the planet, but Yashida accumulated enough to build an Escalade out of it.

15. Because Hugh Jackman is actually talented and this is like Ed Norton in that Smoochy movie.

14. Because I've seen more violence on the Legend of Korra.

13. Because Wolverine was going to kill Mariko's fiancee for his part in her kidnapping, but let her dad live because knowing what he had done was enough punishment. Note to Logan: if someone has already conspired to kill their daughter, their conscience doesn't bother them all too much.

12. Because why would you even build up Shingen as a master swordsman (who actually impresses Logan) when there's no pay-off?

11. Because Wolverine's strategy in fighting ninja (who are posted on the rooftops) is to run down the middle of the street as they pepper him with arrows.

10. Because the middle part of the movie was so slow that it made me think Superman was exciting.

9. Because the vulnerability of the protagonist is key in any hero adventure. They give Logan his healing factor back too soon, and you know from that point out that there is little risk or danger for the character.

8. Because if your foe's reach is that of a blade attached to his hand, why would you build a suit of armor with no long range capability? Throw in an adamantium rocket launcher or gatling gun in there, you goon.

7. Because Yashida's curiosity with mutants was the perfect device to have a person in his employ like the Silver Samurai (Kenuichio Harada) rather than make the character into an Iron Man reject.

6. Because of that catwalk that rotated for no discernible reason.

5. Because of that creepy look on Mariko's face when Wolverine is about to impale her beloved grandfather with all 6 claws.

4. Because Wolvie needed his girlfriend to stab a 90 year old man in the brain and in the carotid artery before he could take him.

3. Because despite your enemy wielding adamantium armor, there is little honor in stabbing a 90 year-old man after he's been stabbed in the brain and neck.

2. Because this movie will make more than Pacific Rim.

1. Because Wolverine is the best there is at what he does and what he does is repeatedly get shot and stabbed (with and without the healing factor) because he refuses to even attempt to dodge.



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