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Bat!@#$ Crazy Batman Casting Rumors - Brolin, Butler, Caviezel!

Written by El Presidente on Friday, August 02 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Bat!@#$ Crazy Batman Casting Rumors - Brolin, Butler, Caviezel!

Rumor sites are churning out Superman vs. Batman casting rumors like nuts! Frank Miller! Josh Brolin! Gerard Butler! JGL in a fake beard!

Source: All over the place!


El Presidente here, reporting directly from day 2 of an ongoing orgy of Batman gossip and speculation! It reminds me of the time I me and Che Guevarra stopped off in Rio on our way down to Bolivia to start a socialist revolution. My friends, this is exactly like that, except with far less cocaine and prostitutes, and a lot more tweeting about which middle aged man would look best in a skintight bat costume.

Comrades, ever since rumors broke that Man of Steel director Zach Snyder was going to meet with legendary lunatic Frank Miller to discuss plans for Snyder's Superman sequel, Superman vs. Batman, Hollywood gossip reporters have been reveling in a debaucherous, totally out-of-control feeding frenzy of rumors and speculation.

At first, The Independent reported that Snyder would be meeting with Miller, but that he would not be adapting Miller's seminal Batman work for the movie. But not long after, Bill "Jett" Ramey of Batman on Film, a site that must know what they're talking about since the only thing they report on apparently is Batman movie rumors, claimed that several sources say the movie is looking to cast an "older" Batman, possibly in his mid-forties, lending credence to speculation that the movie will be based on Miller's Dark Knight Returns, in which an older Batman swears and bangs prostitutes or something, and then fights Superman. I dunno, comrades, I was busy fending off the imperial forces of American capitalism during the eighties, so my memory is hazy. Ramey speculated on Josh Duhamel, Jude Law, Gerard Butler, Josh Brolin, Jon Hamm, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, and Jim Caviezel for the role of the Caped Crusader.

Wait. Jim Caviezel? We're actually speculating that Jesus will play Batman?!

No, not that Jesus! This Jesus!

I mean, holy shit, comrades!

On a side note, check out the comments of the JCS Youtube video to see what appears to be a gaggle of 12 year old boys have an internet slapfight over various sects of Christianity. I don't know if it's just because I'm a godless communist, but it's pretty surreal.

Anyway, some of those rumors are picking up steam, especially Josh Brolin, who seems to be the favorite of Ain't It Cool News' Nordling. Even that second-rate copycat Latino-themed rumormonger, El Mayimbe, is tweeting about it (though he thinks Joseph Gordon Levitt would make a better Doctor Strange). This is a real rumor now. What you are witnessing is the glorious birth of a rumor from pure, baseless speculation to fully accepted fact, like the completely nonexistent Justice League movie that has seemingly forced all of these other DC superhero movies into existence by sheer force of will.

Phew! Comrades, I'm telling you, this shit is crazy! Scoops everywhere! Piles and piles of scoops that I just want to shove my face into like UUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

Stay tuned to The Outhouse and CubanoReview, homies! El Presidente's got to go!


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About the Author - El Presidente

El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.


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