Source: Bleeding Cool
DC Comics is milking this 3D cover nonsense for all it's worth. Not content with pissing off fans and retailers by failing to print enough of their ridiculous 3D covers and replacing them with 2D covers (that most people would have probably preferred in the first place anyway), the company has decided to cancel all orders for the second printing of the full set of 3D covers, originally due in stores in December, and instead re-solicit them in October (for a February release).
Using state-of-the-art (for 1983) spy tech installed on our ace reporter, ThanosCopter, The Outhouse was able to obtain an exclusive look inside the DC Comics Executive Conference Room as they discussed plans to cancel and re-solicit the 3D cover set. What follows is a dramatic reenactment of the decision-making process that led to today's blunder....
*cue dream sequence transition*
"Report!" demanded DC head honcho Dan Didio.
"Confusion levels are at an all time high," said an excited Bob Harras, Editor in Chief. "Nobody knows what the hell is going on with orders of the Villains' Month titles, how many covers they're getting, what type of covers they'll be, and how the fuck they're going to explain it all to their customers."
"Excellent," crowed Didio. "And how is public opinion?"
"It's a disaster," Harras told him. "Retailers are complaining on the internet, readers have sworn to not buy a single issue that month, and the Has DC Done Something Stupid Today counter can barely handle the stress. They've reset it seven times since last Tuesday."
"It's not enough!" Didio bellowed, pounding his fists on the table. "We need to break them. We need to do something so stupid, so senseless, so completely and utterly moronic, that everything we do in the future will seem smart by comparison."
"Let's cancel some of them," said Jim Lee, who had just arrived in the office wearing shorts, flip flops, and a Hawaiian shirt after a two month sabbatical where he did no discernable work to justify his position as Co-Publisher of the company.
"Cancel some of them…" pondered Didio. "It's so stupid, it just might work!"
"Great!" said Lee. "See ya!"
Lee left the offices, planning not to return for another six months, at which point maybe he'll launch another comic, draw four or five issues in a style that hasn't changed in twenty years, and vanish again.
"Which ones should we cancel," asked Geoff Johns, Chief Creative Officer. "Should I look into which books have minorities on the cast or creative team?"
"No, they'll be expecting that." Didio proclaimed. "How about we cancel ALL OF THEM!"
"All of them?!" gasped Harras, who nearly fainted.
"All of them," Didio explained, "and none of them."
"I don't understand," Harras confessed.
"Of course you don't," Didio laughed. "You're an idiot. Why do you think I hired you?"
"Because no one else has the innate ability and lack of good judgment to convince Scott Lobdell to write sixteen consecutive ongoing titles?" Harras guessed.
"Good guess, but that's not it," Didio replied, an evil grin creeping over his face. "We started out by soliciting lenticular 3D covers for all of the books. Then, we revealed, at the last minute, that we couldn't make enough of them, so we'd be releasing 2D covers as well."
"An exceptional demonstration of our incompetence," said Johns proudly.
"But we refused to tell people how many of each type of cover they'd be getting," Didio continued. "Then we announced that the only for retailers to get more 3D covers to appease their rioting customers would be to purchase full sets of 3D reprints in December."
"We know this already," said Johns, growing impatient.
"And it worked! They topped the re-order charts," Didio boasted. "So now, we tell them, 'never mind.' We're going to cancel all orders for the reprints, and re-solicit them in October for release in early 2014."
"But will anyone still give a shit about the covers in 2014?" asked Harras, still not getting it.
"They won't give a shit…" Johns realized.
"Of course they won't!" Didio stood up from his chair. "Nobody ever really wanted 3D covers in the first place! They're more expensive, they're stupid, they remind people of the nineties, and we didn't even put any effort into making them. I mean, we just photoshopped chained up stock images of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman into the background of a bunch of hastily commissioned Brett Booth covers, for chrissakes!"
"So the retailers will be stuck with a bunch of full sets of gimmick covers, not even first printings, that nobody wants to buy?!" asked Harras. "Covers for books that have been rendered completely irrelevant by the five or six complete cycles of editorially mandated status quo changes we will have enacted by then?!"
"Exactly!" Didio told him. "And then, gentlemen, we will have truly hit rock bottom, and we can start to rebuild."
"Rock bottom?" asked a confused Harras. "I think that only applies to alcoholics."
"Then start drinking, Bob," Didio shouted, grabbing him by his shirt collar and shaking him briskly, "because after the Nu52 implodes under the weight of all the sheer, unadulterated stupidity, we will be reborn, like a retarded phoenix from the ashes of mental deficiency! A reboot of a reboot! The Nu Nu 52!"
"My God!" Johns gasped. Harras fell out of his chair.
"No," whispered Didio menacingly as his eyes glowed red. "Not God."
Then he looked straight at us through ThanosCopter's spy camera and our feed cut out, leaving us nothing else to do but reset the counter as the ice cold chill of primal fear shivered up our spines.
The Outhouse is sponsored by Cinema Crazed: Celebrating Film Culture & Pop Culture.
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About the Author - Jude Terror
Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. Ironically, our webmaster, whose website skills know no end, has very little understanding of social networks or how they work. Regardless, you can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, but would probably have the most luck just emailing him.
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