El Presidente here, reporting from the inside of a garbage compactor whose walls are slowly causing in. Hopefully my astromech droid will get the door open before I am crushed to a bloody pulp!
My friends, I want to tell you today about a new rumor for Disney's upcoming Star Wars: Episode 7. According to Ain't It Cool News, Disney is considering pushing the release date of the movie back from May 2015 to December 2015, in order to avoid summer competition, including Disney's own Avengers: Age of Ultron. This would mark the first time a Star Wars movie was not released in May, although it wouldn't be the first time a Star Wars project came out around the holidays.
Comrades, of course I'm talking about the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. There's nothing I could possibly say about the Star Wars Holiday Special that would be more hilarious than simply reading the factual Wikipedia article about it, so I recommend you just go do that.
If the release date is, in fact, pushed back, it would certainly give the movie more breathing room, and the "not pissing off purists" ship sailed a long time ago, so Disney can probably stop worrying about that.
Stay tuned to CubanoReview and The Outhouse for more baseless Star Wars rumors reported sensationally for the purpose of reaping unique hits.
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About the Author - El Presidente
El Presidente gave up his position as President and Prime Minister of Cuba, as well as First Secretary of Cuba's Communist Party, in 2008 in order to concentrate on his true love: Hollywood gossip reporting. Forming the rumor website Cubano Review, El Presidente built a name for himself based on over THREE DOZEN industry credited trade scoops. Unfortunately, capitalist American trade embargoes have rendered CubanoReview.com unreachable from within the United States, forcing El Presidente to syndicate his articles to The Outhouse, which flies under the radar of the American oligarchy thanks to most leaders assuming it is a scat porn site, which, to be fair, is basically true.
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