Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the Argentinian embassy in London! Why? Because this scoop is so hot, MI5 wants to detain me as a terrorist!
El Mayimbe, that slovenly slacker over at Latino Review, is reporting that Marvel has offered Bradley Cooper the role of Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy. The role is sure to be a fan favorite, and Marvel wants to capitalize by having the hottest name in America play the part.
But, much like every other "scoop" he's reported over the last year, El Mayimbe got this one wrong! We've received several diplomatic dispatches that indicate that Marvel's offered the role to Pvt. Bradley Manning, the infamous leaker recently sentenced to 35 years in prison. "While many consider Manning to be a rat, we'd like to think he's more of a raccoon," said one source.
Marvel's reasoning is that Manning will have nothing but time on his hands since he's incarcerated, and that his excrutiating months in solitary confinement is pretty much the same thing as being trapped in the silence of space. Plus, since he's in the United States' prison program, they won't have to pay him the extravagent salary that Bradley Cooper would demand.
I'm glad that Marvel's giving Manning a chance to shine. It's just a shame that he was unable to leak any documents showing that the CIA has tried to kill me 638 times over the years! Speaking of which, I see a laser pointer coming in through the window. It is time for me to depart. Until next time, my friends!