For centuries, philosophers have pondered the age old question: if a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound? While the question is mainly considered a philosophical thought exercise designed to provoke thinking about observation and the nature of reality, scientists announced the first major breakthrough in over a thousand years after Todd McFarlane made some public statements about a new Spawn movie today.
"The problem was that we had nothing as potentially noiseless to compare the tree in the forest to," explained Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, a real scientist The Outhouse consults frequently for our articles. "But when Todd McFarlane started making statements about a new Spawn movie at least fifteen years after everyone in the entire world stopped giving a crap about Spawn, he established a sort of absolute zero for sound, by which all other noises can be judged."
In fact, seemingly as if to prove a point, trees began falling in empty forests immediately after McFarlane began making statements about a new Spawn movie which were met with a complete and utter lack of interest from any living person in the entire world. Though McFarlane promised that the new film would be more horror than superhero and that big name actors were interested in roles, the falling trees clearly made more noise than McFarlane, which made, to make sure we're being clear, absolutely no noise at all.
"The thing that keeps slowing it down is that the negotiation I’ve done is I write, produce, direct, but I’ve got to push a lot of my other endeavors off to the side so I can just get tunnel vision on it, McFarlane said to a completely empty room from which even all of the crickets had fled in boredom. "And so everybody at my company is now going, ‘We’ve got to find Todd the time to finish all this."
"Whump," said a nearby tree as it hit the ground. "Whump, crackle, crackle, skechooooooooooo, crash."
McFarlane opened his mouth to say something else about the movie, but another tree began to fall nearly 200 miles away. "Krrrrrrraaaaacccck," said the tree. "Whoooooooosh, bang, smack."
As of press time, nearly seven thousand trees had committed suicide and crashed to the ground in the Pacific Northwest alone, and every single created more noise than the announcement of the new Spawn film. Meanwhile, a ten second video of Rob Liefeld singing the Game of Thrones theme song on the toilet over the weekend had garnered 90 likes on Instagram.