Vivid Entertainment is famous for releasing pornographic parodies of superhero movies, but a cursory reading of their latest press release suggests that their newest film is actually a straight-up adaptation. Entitled Wolverine XXX, the film follows the adventures of the iconic loner who is best friends with every character in the Marvel Universe. From the press release:
In Wolverine XXX Tommy Gunn plays a mysterious mutant superhero with an unbreakable skeleton, retractable Adamantium (the indestructible metal alloy bonded to Wolverine’s skeleton and bone claws) and an overly developed sex drive. He eventually discovers that he has been used and experimented on as a living weapon by several governments and agencies over the years, each altering or wiping his memory to suit its needs. While unraveling the threads of his past, Wolverine encounters other fascinating characters and, of course, hot sex occurs at every turn.
"That's exactly how I see the character," said a fictional version of Jason Aaron we've been slandering in our articles for several months now. "Every character in the Marvel Universe wants to have sex with Wolverine. Male, female, talking raccoon, it doesn't matter. If you're a character in the Marvel Universe, then you respect Wolverine as a spiritual father, a leader, a teacher, a fierce but honorable warrior, and, if you have any kind of functioning genitalia whatsoever, a desirable sex object."
Aaron, who many fans celebrate as one of the best writers of Wolverine in the last decade, knows what he's talking about.
"Some people say that I write Wolverine like a Mary Sue," Aaron explained, "but I prefer to think that I write him as an idealized character that represents the author."
Isn't that the definition of Mary Sue?
"No," Aaron insisted.
So if Wolverine XXX isn't a parody, how can they get away with using one of Marvel's most well-known and marketable characters without violating trademarks and copyrights?
"You can't control where Wolverine is going to show up," said director Axel Braun in a quote we just made up. "I don't think Marvel even knows. One day Wolverine is the headmaster of a school for X-Men, the next he's on seven different Avengers teams, three of which are in space, all at the same time. Then later he's in Japan with two teenage girl sidekicks who may or may not be clones of him, fighting ninjas, and then after that he's traveling back in time to kill a founding Avenger while the rest of the Marvel heroes are like 'Oh, that Wolverine, always killing Avengers' like it's no big deal. Then he'll turn around and lecture some other heroes on morality."
"It's hard to keep up with," he continued, "and Marvel can't control it any more than you or I could. He just sort of shows up in a book or cartoon or movie without any kind of warning and sort of takes over."
"We were originally planning to make a a porn parody of that Brad Pitt zombie flick called World War D," Braun concluded, "and Wolverine just showed up on the set and was all like, 'where do I stick this, bub?' He had his claws out, but we were pretty sure he was talking about his penis. So we went with it, you know?"
"He's the best he is at what he does," added Jason Aaron, looking flush, "and what he does is [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [censored] [censored] [redacted] in the [censored] with a [redacted]."
"Mmmm," Aaron punctuated.
Head down to your local porno shop to pick up a copy of Wolverine XXX if you want to inject a little adamantium into your... you know. Going in there is actually slightly less embarrassing than visiting your local comic shop, in many cases.