Tom Dennison was struck in the head by a falling piece of refuse from a passing airplane on August 27, 1999, putting him in a coma that he would not awaken from until earlier this year. Since then, Dennison has been eagerly catching up on all the things he missed out on during his long nap, including Robert Downey Jr.'s career comeback, the failure of the Sega Dreamcast, and the proliferation of video game information on the internet. While the loss of fourteen years of his life was in many ways distressing for the Newport News, VA resident, one of the advantages of skipping several generations of technological advancement is the ability to appreciate technological marvels that the rest of us consider old hat.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Dennison when he watched the trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows on Youtube. "You can watch videos on your computer without a compact disc?!"
We gave him a moment to get ahold of himself.
"Those graphics are pretty sweet too," he added. "Look at how lifelike they are!"
Of course, the rest of the remains completely unimpressed with the Nintendo Gamecube era graphics, but to Tom, this is cutting edge stuff. You see, Tom never got the chance to watch the video game industry evolve through new generations of consoles, online gaming, motion gaming, and mobile gaming. He was stuck in a coma thanks to a rogue piece of flying poop. He may have even suffered brain damage.
"This looks way better than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time!" Dennison gushed. "There must be like, 1000 kilobytes of graphics on this game console!"
We call that a megabyte, Tom. And the X-Box 360 has 512 of them.
"No way!" said Tom, presumably making reference to the old-timey movie, Wayne's World.
"Way," we told him.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is available
now tomorrow on X-Box Live and Steam, but Playstation Network players will have to wait until September, because fuck them.
"Awesome! Is there an X-Box Live or Steam in town?" Tom asked.
It's not a physical store, Tom, you Neanderthal. It's a virtual service you get to through your game system or computer. You just order the game and it downloads instantly to your system over the internet.
"WHUMP!" said Tom as he fell to the ground and lay their motionless.
Tom? Tom, are you okay?
Folks, we need to take Tom to the hospital. We think he may have fallen back into a coma. Somebody call 911! Help! Help!
Quick, roll the trailer!