When we joked about the timestream being broken last month in response to Ben Affleck being cast as Batman, we thought we were just writing one of our typically snarky gag articles, but as it turns out, the idea may not be so satirical after all! Pretty much since the start of DC's Nu52 reboot, the comic book industry has been trying its damndest to bring back the 1990s, an era of endless #1 issues, stupid cover gimmicks, and XXX-treme artwork. Since then, we've seen Rob Liefeld and Scott Lobdell at one time writing something like 50% of DC's output under the guidance of the king of 90s comic book industry self-destruction, Bob Harras, Marvel running a shortage of Age of Ultron #10s due to a lack of polybag materials, and of course the spectacular 3Dnado that surrounded DC's lenticular Villains Month covers.
Has this relentless attack on common sense and progress finally damaged the timestream to the point where time has reversed itself and the world is regressing back into the 90s and maybe even beyond?!
The answer will (probably not) surprise you as we look at two recent stories from outside the comics spectrum that appear to be the result of Marvel and DC's constant screwing with the timeline:
Good lord! Things are getting out of hand. While Snoop (we're not calling him fucking Snoop Lion) Doggy Dogg hasn't put out a listenable album since 1996's The Doggfather, Murphy's last big hit was 1985's Party All the Time. This shit is getting serious!
Here's the new track:
Other obsolete acts with new albums out now or in the near future: Korn, Kenny Rogers, Gloria Estefan, Madonna, Boy George, and Earth Wind and Fire.
The tech blogosphere went crazy over this story last week, in which Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayers took part in the business/tech tradition of appearing glamour shots on the cover of a fashion magazine, following in the footsteps of notable tech CEOs like... oh, that's never happened before. In any case, the lines have been drawn between those that think the media's focus on Mayers' looks is offensive to women, and those who think that thinking the media's focus on Mayers' looks is offensive to women is offensive to women. Who is right? We'll be damned if we know - we're staying the hell out of this one.
What's notable about all of this is that Yahoo's stock is on the rise. We had forgotten the 90s search giant was even still a company, but last month Yahoo was the most visited website in the country, beating even the mighty Google. Will AOL free trial disks be making a comeback next? Better log onto Prodigy and check.
My god, comics industry. What have you done?!
As you can see, things are looking pretty grim for the stability of our fragile reality, and we're certain comics are to blame. We can only hope Marvel and DC are paying attention to the damage they're causing and start releasing quality comics instead of relying on cheap gimmicks to boost sales before it's too late. Ol' Jude Terror doesn't want to have to start rocking Zubas and a Jheri Curl again.