When we first learned yesterday that quintessential S.H.I.E.L.D. writer/artist and comics legend Jim Steranko would be writing the weekly Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. reviews on The Hollywood Reporter, we reacted the same way any reasonable blog would: with extreme jealousy.
How can any other blog possibly compete with Steranko in recapping what could potentially be, with its tie-ins to Marvel's highly successful cinematic universe, the biggest comic book TV show of all time? You know those Dos Equis beer commercials with "The Most Interesting Man in the World?" That guy is a total dullard compared to Steranko, who once emailed Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer to correct Hoffer on an article claiming Steranko had gotten into a barfight with a biker, fashioning a makeshift blade out of a half dollar and slashing his opponent before embarking on a high-speed getaway. Steranko wanted it to be known that it was not a single biker, but "six or seven bikers in the bar, a few other patrons, and the barkeep, all of whom wanted a piece of me--or my necktie." So you see, it's downright unsportsmanlike for THR to have Steranko on these articles. It would be like the New York Giants facing off against a peewee football team - the matchup would be so uneven, it wouldn't even be worth playing the game.
Because the Giants wouldn't stand a chance. Boom! Take that, Giants fans!
Seriously, they suck.
Anyway, after putting aside our envy, we waited anxiously for Steranko's first review to go live. Well, it just did, and it did not disappoint. Here's an excerpt:
Additionally, the pilot was riddled with inscrutable, distracting moments. Did anyone notice all the women were cookie-cuttered, dressed the same, looked the same, had the same kind of edge (possibly more than their male counterparts)? In the Act 1 apartment fight scene (orchestrated in the Bourne manner), could anyone determine who was doing what to whom (all those black suits)? Anyone wonder how the superpowered Hooded Hero could be so easily tailed (perhaps for days) by hot babe Skye? And why didn't the S.H.I.E.L.D. interrogators at least get her last name, not to mention her phone number?
Of course, the wonderful citizens of the internet immediately set in on the comments section, suggesting that Steranko is bitter because he's not in charge of the show. Fools. Make no mistake, if Steranko wanted to be in charge of this show, he'd simply waltz into ABC headquarters and proclaim himself new showrunner, and there's not a damn thing anybody would be able to do about it. He's motherfucking Steranko. Check out his review, and follow him on Twitter.