All week long, Marvel Comics has been releasing a series of short, one-phrase teasers promoting announcements at their panels at New York Comic Con this October. The non-stop barrage of teasers has had bloggers scrambling to come up with witty things to say about them, pushing their skills to the utmost limits.
"CORPORATE, which features the team of Peter David and Carmine Di Giandomenico will be publicly offered at the Amazing X-Men & The Marvel Universe Panel," quipped a battered and bloody sdsichero, reporter for The Outhouse, in an article yesterday reporting on four of the teasers. Obviously, the blogosphere was running out of ideas fast.
"Oh god!" Hero cried, collapsing into a heap on the floor. "Make it stop. Make it stop!"
But the teasers just kept coming.
"Keep firing!" commanded Marvel head honcho Joe Quesada from inside his command center at Marvel Headquarters Friday morning. Immediately, several unpaid interns scrambled to high-tech Photoshop stations to slap a color overlay and some glow effects onto some words, add the names of Marvel creators, and send them out to Marvel's press contact list. "We've almost got 'em, boys! Don't let up!"
"CBR is ready to through in the towel," shouted Marvel Editor First Class Bill Rosemann from behind a console showing numerous radar maps of the blogosphere. "They can't withstand much more punishment. The other blogs will follow suit."
"Excellent," Quesada cooed. "Deliver our terms. Unconditional surrender, and five star reviews for any book drawn by Greg Land for the next two years. They'll publish twenty press releases from us a wekk about a book selling out even though that's completely meaningless."
"My god!" Rosemann gasped. "That's inhumane!"
"Are you questioning my orders?" Quesada fired back. "You're not paid to think, fool. You're paid to follow orders."
"Yessir," Roseman quickly replied. He tapped out a message to CBR in Morse code over a comically old-fashioned telegraph, speaking it out loud at the same time. "We both know you can't take any more STOP. Let's end this charade STOP. Surrender and your bloggers can live STOP. Five star reviews for Land STOP. Yes, even when he clearly traced from the Batman porn parody STOP."
Rosemann waited while CBR sent a response. Quesada seemed unconcerned.
"They say they'll fight to the last man," Rosemann reported.
"Release another Slott teaser," Quesada ordered with a casual wave of his hand. An intern quickly typed "The End" into a Photoshop template, changed the text to purple, added the names Dan Slott and Giuseppe Camuncoli, and emailed it out to the press.
"Their defenses have fallen!" shouted Rosemann, almost immediately. "They're in full retreat!"
"Of course they are," Quesada gloated. "Tell them we will accept their surrender at New York Comic Con. Superior Spider-Man panel. They will kneel before me and call me master."
"Yes," Rosemann agreed.
"Yes what? Quesada demanded.
"Yes... master," Rosemann meekly replied.
Here's the full set of teasers Marvel sent out this week: